Child Psychology

19-slip of Expletives in Conversation - As a Habit

An agent who was supplying certain brands of goods on credit to his clients based in the interior towns during the colonial rule found that he could no longer do so. The company which was the sole importer of the popular brands had cancelled the arrangement for sales on credit to the agent. The reason was a misunderstanding with the clerical staff of the company for which the agent was not to blame. The Sales Manager was a son of the Managing Director of the family-company. He would not see the agent who was anxious to clear the misunderstanding.

There was a distinct fear that the agent would lose his clients to other agents. He therefore confided his problem to a friend with a request that the friend talks to the Manager.

As the friend did not know the Manager personally, he first made some discreet inquiries about him. He learnt that the Manager was a graduate, made decisions on behalf of the Managing Director and was keeping extremely busy during the office hours. He often referred his visitors whom he did not know to his subordinates. A call at his residence after the dinnertime was likely to result in an opportunity of a meeting with him. It did.

Apologetic Approach.

The pompous set up of the lounge where the agent and his friend were seated added to the already intimidating atmosphere under which they were to explain the misunderstanding. Both had decided earlier that their approach to the subject would be meek and apologetic.

The formal introduction was interrupted by a telephone call to the Manager, followed by one more after a short interval. It was obvious that one call was of a business nature involving some hard bargaining and the other from a friend enthusing the Manager in a friendly jovial conversation. However, on both occasions of the telephone conversation, the language of the Manager was punctuated now and then by the slip of expletives (foul words) from his mouth obviously as a habit -apparently without his being even aware of the slip. Encounter And Not Entreaty. .

Suddenly and strangely enough, the haunting effect of the previous intimidation on the friend disappeared. He gained a sense of superiority. Encounter instead of entreaty became the impulsive key to the opening of the talk by the friend when they came down to it.

The weaknesses of the staff in the Sales Department were pointed out to the Manager without fear. All this was said firmly, however in a language which was decent and respectful when it came to choice of words, in contrast to the language used by the Manager in his telephones conversation. The encounter paid off through the sense of superiority.

The habit of uncontrollable slips of expletives is a liability. A host of such a loathsome habit can never be also a host of a refined and polished or a commanding personality' however educated or rich or both he may be. Such persons are seen small. This habit begins either in childhood at home by the child seeing his father deeply smirched in a similar habit or through his bad company of friends in the school or sports ground while the parents fail to nip it in the bud when it begins to show up at home. Equally Worse.

There is also a culture, equally worse, of a liberal use of slang words or phrases I which wrongly appear to be figurative. They are in common use without the awareness that they can also convey obscene meanings.

Children when adult will be judged also not by who or whose sons they are but by their habitual language. However, those who drop expletives by an uncontrollable habit as they speak are not worthy of even being judged. They fare poorly in a society where the road to recognition, credibility, matrimony and trust is paved with ethics. A respectable language is part of ethics. :

c ,~. Watch a disorganised group of boys playing at an open space in a residential area I during a weekend or a school holiday. Often a quarrel erupts in the Course of the rivalry in a sports game. Note that while almost all would shout at one another in heated arguments, only a few would be seen dragging the arguments later into an exchange of a foul language if the quarrel remained unresolved and the rest would begin only to look on in silence with some embarrassment. They are different. They are culturally not orphaned.

Now if the difference seen in the example of the behaviour among the boys is bad, it will be much worse if the behaviour is allowed to take roots as the boys grow up as adults. There will always be a price for the lack of a polished personality however high their station of life. The price is bigger if the station of life is low.

20- Foster Charitable Nature in the Child

A poor widow went to someone's house for a small financial aid. She was known to the family; and that was not her first visit. However, on this occasion her small daughter was with her.

A child of the family slightly older than the visitor's daughter immediately collected his junk of toys and brought them forth to show to the other child and play them with her. She took great fancy in one particular piece of his toys. It was not in a good shape though and should have been thrown away long before. However, the child retrieved his toy from her hand as the widow stood up to leave with her.

The widow's daughter behaved normally as a small child who craves for toys and so did the other child who wants to cling to his. However, the miserly possessiveness of the child in the family was normal only because the parents had failed to do what was normal on their part: -to teach him being charitable. He therefore would not let the toy go when asked for by anyone of his age or told to do so by the parents.

He would however abandon it later with little interest in it -in this case, after the orphan had left. Sadakaat (giving alms and charity) even under difficult circumstances is a sign of nobility of a family. It is also believed to be a good divine shield against impending calamities. It averts calamities by divine grace without one being aware that they" were imminent.

When Old and Infirm.

The parents therefore should foster in their child the habit or character of being charitable and generous. They too will reap its benefits from the child when he is adult because, if he has been raised to be compassionate and generous to others, he would be more so to his parents when they are old and infirm -and perhaps needy also.

There are instead some sad, examples of children witnessing their parents driving away the seekers of alms or charity without offering any, or humiliating them while giving it when the holy Qur'an forbids this. "And as for him who asks, do not chide (him). (93: 10). The Qur'anic word for "chide" in the verse is "tanhar" which is strong for admonition as used In the verse 17:23 with regard to scolding aged parents.

The child can be rooted in the nature of giving charity generously by their own parents setting examples for emulation, and explaining to him its obligations as " a duty ordained by Allah " (9:60), and its spiritual benefits.

The child should be allowed to hold certain small amounts of money for regular sadakaat under the supervision of the parents. Certain cases of sadakaat can be arranged through the hands of the child physically. A child belongs to where his child- hood memories linger. Giving sadakaat becomes a part of his memories linking his parents after they are deceased. Portions However Small.

When making donations to charitable or religious institutions, some portions, how- ever small, of the donations are paid in the name of the child and the receipts in his name are handed over to him. He may want to show them off to his friends or the children in the neighbourhood in the beginning when this tradition is first put into practice.

A conducive environment cannot be created for the child to learn to be charitable if it is a tradition of the family to be charitable to others generally but absolutely not to their house-servants, whose welfare is the religious responsibility of the employer. A portrayal of such an inexplicable contradiction to the child undermines the effect of the whole exercise.

A worse example for the child is to see one parent reproving the other for giving alms or meeting the needs of others in charity. Even still worse as an example is for a parent to stereotype (generalise) alms seekers as pretenders or fake or raise doubts about their eligibility for alms.

A person who stretches out his hands for charity or financial aid is already a victim of a humiliating loss of self-respect, The holy Prophet wants us not to suffer him a further humiliation by spurning those hands. The child will surely ponder positively if the parents are charitable enough to him to explain the strings of humiliation suffered by the needy -to cultivate sympathy for them, Allah's Wrath.

The holy Qur'an is eloquent about Allah's wrath against those who are miserly, as shown by the following few verses out of other similar verses:

"They who taunt those of the faithful who give their alms freely, and those who give to the extent of their earnings, and scoff at them, Allah will pay them back their scoffing, and they shall have a painful chastisement" (9: 79),

"And as for him who is niggardly and considers himself free from need (of Allah); And rejects the best, We will facilitate for him the difficult end; And his wealth will not avail him when he perishes, (92 : 8,9, 10, 11 ) "And let not those who are niggardly in giving away that which Allah has granted them out of His grace, deem that it is good for them; nay, it is worse for them they shall have that whereof they were niggardly made to cleave to their necks on the resurrection day""",…," (3:180) "Those who are niggardly and bid people to be niggardly and hide what Allah has i given them out of His grace; and We have prepared for the unbelievers a disgraceful chastisement" (4:37) .

'Behold! you are those who are called upon to spend in Allah's way, but among you I are those who are niggardly, and whoever is niggardly is niggardly against his own soul;" (47:38),

Not teaching or wanting to teach their children to be charitable itself is a sign of miserly (bukhal) on the part of the parents, There are said to be those in whose proverbial dictionary the word "give" does not exist while the word "take" is repetitive. If one of them, having fallen from a roving boat, has to be rescued from drowning, the effective pleading to him is not: "quick! ! 'give' me your hand" but: "take" my hand" for his own successful rescue!

Equally important is to reach the child, by setting examples, the Islamic values of the maintenances of cordial relation with the relatives, especially those with lesser means despite being at odds periodically, all the context of benevolence and generosity. Such a relation often pays off handsomely in one's lifetime in this world also. Allah swt makes the relatives the cause or agency for the grant of His grace.