Child Psychology

23- Favouring Boys Is Wronging Girls Among

Children The parents had planned to go on a long holiday, the first in a decade, after the eldest son got married. The son got married but the holiday did not materialize.

The daughter-in-Iaw, though intelligent and fairly educated, did not demonstrate such a commanding personality with fair degrees of self-confidence as would enable her to take care of the house and exercise control over the younger brothers of the husband during the absence of their parents. The daughter-in-Iaw herself doubted her ability to manage. She thought it wise and safe to avoid the responsibility though she sadly knew that she was becoming the cause for the parents of the house to miss their long anticipated holiday. Her husband too was extremely disappointed.

If the daughter-in-law lacked self-confidence it is because she, as a daughter a daughter in her family, was groomed and prepared that way through parental neglect or lack of foresight or both owing to ignorance on the part of her father. There is now cost… a cost of her respect in the eyes of her parent-in-laws or even worse… her happiness of matrimony.

The father in his relation and conduct with his two children, the daughter the elder and son the younger, he had more time for the son. They had topics of common interest to talk. The main topic was sports and in the course of discussion other topics, like the son's school and his friends. the son's aspirations then crept in during the father's leisure time and at meals, often in the presence of the daughter. The Lesser Child.

The daughter, though elder of the two, felt that she was the lesser child of the two. The son in his relation with his father felt himself like an adult, sharing the importance of the father in the family, and thus he had the advantage of a spring-board for developing self-confidence and his independently distinct personality.

On the other hand, the daughter was often driven to seeking comfort in the company of her mother. She found herself sharing with her mother the common obedience not only to the father but also to the son, who saw himself as the substitute of the father in the moments of his absence at home. She too vied for self-importance, self- respect and self-confidence but these were not let coming her way.

The imbalanced treatment of daughters in favour of sons, as they are raised together, is not uncommon in families. The scenario is no different even where the girl is the only child. If it is a culture of discrimination that obstinately survives as a legacy. It goes against all the norms and values set by Islam which exhort greater kindness and emotional support to daughters but instead they are denied even the equal justice only to bruise their emotions irreparably. The consequential effect on the personality of the daughters is likely to show when the personality fails to assert itself for a fruitful role as wife and then mother in her later married life.

Self Intimidation.

The mistake, disastrous as it is, which the father often commits is to perceive his daughter in her mother's image of docility {meekness). He hardly realizes that the wife's apparent docility has the elements of a matrimonial loyalty while the daughter's presumed docility is nothing short of an emotional intimidation with disastrous results. Such a daughter when assuming the role of wife would submit readily to the continuation of similar docility more through self-intimidation on the presumption of normalcy in the matrimonial life, her higher level of education and aspirations than her mother's notwithstanding.

What is required is that daughters on the path to becoming mothers in every succeeding generation are helped in building their emotional capacity to muster greater and greater strength of faith and self-confidence. This is the key to meeting newer and newer challenges as they surface in their role as mothers while life gets more complex and economic survival more difficult as time passes.

Let us remember that the best of Allah's creation is the human race. It is comprised of families. Each family as a unit originates and revolves around the institution of motherhood. The child-girl of today with a small period of time in her family is the mother of tomorrow for a greater period of time in the family of others.

Therefore, the daughter may seem weak in terms of her physique but her greater strength exceeding that of the son lies in her tremendous potential capacity for positive emotions to fulfil successfully her more challenging role as mother, which role is crucial in the flourishing of the human race.

If the children are flowers, then girls are the ones who bloom sooner to give out fragrance of life to more flowers to repeat the cycles over and over again.

What an irony when it is often the daughters who prove more dependable to the aged parents in terms of affection and loyalty. which also are unfortunately taken for granted in the society.

24- Groom the Child in the Art of Conversation

A : "Why didn't you turn up"?

A : "What time were you there"?

A : "Wasn't it 9.00"?

A : "So what time did you come"?

B : "What makes you think so"?

B : "What time did we agree on"?

B : "Hadn't you said that would be late"?

B : "Precisely 8.00 as agreed"

At last the chain of questions countered by questions is broken and the simple information sought became eventually availed. This is an example of questions being denied information by counter-questions. It is an ugly habit, which is not only annoying and time-wasting but also ill-mannered.

Some children are normally found with this habit. Sadly, many of them grow up hardening the habit. They cannot be said to have cultivated 8" congenial disposition. They fail to retain friends. What is worse, the marriage is put at risks if one of the spouses has the habit of responding to questions with questions.

A wife cautiously asked the husband after a few days of the marriage: "Why do you have the habit of avoiding answering a question by a counter question"? His reply was: "Who says this"?

Ugly Habit The purpose of conversation is communication, which mainly includes exchanging or imparting information and not avoiding it; and yet. how often we come across the : t annoying examples of the purpose being defeated quite innocently by this ugly habit.

rA polished or refined personality is reflected mainly in the art of conversation. There may be a person who is intelligent. sharp and highly educated and yet he will have failed to master the art.

Similarly, a person may look distinguished in appearance. stature or in his walking gait to strangers but is known to his friends and acquaintances as having no matching personality because he lacked the art of conversation.

A person is groomed in the art of conversation either from his childhood or learns by emulating the examples of those who have impressed him by their practice of the art. It is part of the elementary grooming when parents keep reminding children to say: "Please", "Thank You"' "May I", "Al-hamdu Lillsh" (Praise to Allah), "Insha'alla", (Allah willing), etc, in the course of conversation

Poor Personality Looking sideways or darting the eyes here and there while talking to a single person. raising voice unnecessarily. over-gesticulation or dramatisation. talking fast or unduly excessive talking, liberal changes of face expression or tone of the voice, interruptions or exclamatory interjections. head-movement to show disagreement while the person is still talking; all these show a lack of the art of conversation.. Children should be taught to avoid every one of these. They reflect a poor personality in an adult.

The contents. choice of words. the style of expression and the timing are also important. Even more important is the expression of face when conversation is punctuat- ed with arguments or contentions. A thin smile playing on the lips while about to reply instead of a frown or stern eyeing would signal a gentle and sincere. and therefore effective. disagreement without inviting quarrel.

Avoiding a lengthy discussion of an important subject in the street or raising it only if the time and place met is mutually convenient is also a peripheral part of the art. Children should be taught never to say the same thing twice in the same conversation.

Punctuation of "You see", "Okay"?' "I mean" and the likes must be stopped before the habit takes root. The child with the habit will make a poor speaker.

Children normally are short of vocabulary. The right adverbs and adjectives are the real problem. So listen to this: "The soccer player kicked the ball" Booom!'I (meaning IIhard'l). It flew 'Shoooo"' (meaning "fast') towards the goal. but the Goalie tipped it "Phewp!" (meaning "quickly") over the bar." Some children get even worse in this when adults. "'Imposing Or Capitulation .

A new teacher makes his first appearance before a class. which is notorious for misbehaviour in the presence of any teacher. A janitor cleaning the corridor becomes curious seeing the class unusually quiet. This was because the class had not yet sized up the teacher while he was standing expressionless before them and had not , yet spoken a single word. For a stranger silence is a shield. Less talk is imposing. Excessive talk is capitulation.

The proposals of many a good suitor were declined because they demonstrated the weakness of excessive talking during their self- introduction. One does not win in capitulation.

The parents who set themselves to minding the habits of the children in their conduct of conversation can groom the children in the art. The parents will have minded their own habits also in the process.