Child Psychology

25- the Child and His World of Fantasy

The married son with a child was more than happy with his employment in a prestigious international company. The position, the salary. the fringe benefits and the annual increments were all enviable until that morning when he learnt that the senior position above him was to fall vacant and someone younger from another branch was to fill it because according to the rules that position was for a university graduate. He was not a graduate.

The son informed his parents of his decision to quit his employment. He would work and prosper in employment elsewhere. Yes. And he would rise through successive promotions and reach a position even much higher -that of the Chief Executive -and they would be proud of his successes; of course, his modest basic education notwithstanding .

The son's fantasy of the successes awaiting him despite the reality on the ground indicating to the contrary reminded the parents of similar refuge in fantasy to which the son would resort when he was a boy. .

Fantasy of Successes.

As one past example: the administrators of a Youth Sports Complex would not I include the boy in any of the sports teams for a league competition that season, I because of his lack of minimum hours of prior practice according to the established I rules. He declined the offer of inclusion in parallel friendly games outside the com- petition. Instead he chose to confront the administrators on the rules assuring his parents of what appeared to them a mere fantasy of predictions of his successful confrontation. He lost both. the fight in the confrontation and a participation in that season.

We can understand when a child makes a visitation to his world of fantasy by applying more fantasy than hard reasoning in the attempt to solve his problems or achieve his aspirations because at that age his ability to grasp the reality on the ground is limited and his past experiences are almost none.

It is therefore normal for children also to fantasies themselves in the roles of their heroes and see themselves able to perform even better than them -to the extent that the feats fancied are superhuman.

Fanciful Dreams.

It is normal for a child also to talk (or bag) about his fanciful dreams of what he wants to be or do then or when he is grown up. Their dreams have no or little relation to the hard reasoning or the practical aspects of life.

However. parents should not commit the mistake of laughing off the child's fanciful dreams as a normal passage of a phase of childhood. if the child continues with the luxury of fantasy as he grows up or is found gaining more and more comfort by taking a refuge in his world of fantasy.

The child will be aspiring for more than what is practical or indeed. praise-worthy, within his "normal" ability. Upon failing to advance towards his fanciful aspirations. he will create yet one more world of his own for refuge and that is the one of self-pity. Realm of Reasoning.

Children should be seen making lesser and lesser visitations to their world of fantasies and more and more to the realm of reasoning as they grow up and begin to realise that when facts cannot be changed. the attitude has to be changed. A refuge in a world of fantasy while waiting for the facts to change is an unhealthy trait.

Sadly. there are those among children who. instead of growing out of the fantasy- visitation grow up with the habit of taking a refuge in fanciful planning devoid of reasoning. This is because they would not want to accept facts over which they have no control nor change their attitude over which they have control. However. this weakness varies in degrees from person to person.

There was this guest who got busy pouring out his frustration to the host at the Arrival Reception of the Airport. He said he was late in checking out because there were the health. immigration and customs procedures to comply with. And that was not all. There were the baggage to identify and collect! He did not say that all other passengers were doing the same and many were still behind in the queue. He had a cause for the frustration because he had fancied coming across different facts or changing them, at least for himself in his travel.

No person need be a victim of having to create a fanciful substitute world of his own to overcome the vicissitudes of the real world, and fail worse.

What is required is that he is impressed since his childhood that there is a better and eternal world to look forward to much better than the human fantasy can conjure or conceive. He will understand the purpose of this transient world and accept that it is attendant with test, tribulation and tears. He will bring himself much nearer to knowing Islam and transit himself with a comfortable conviction. He will be a contented man with his priorities right whatever the reality on the ground may confront him.

26- The Child's "Books & Buddies"

A parent on meeting his next door neighbour, also a parent, in a communal corridor of the same building thanked him profusely for devoting some of his leisure time to coaching his child also together with his own in school lessons after the dinner time. He was pleased that his child had been showing great improvement in his school work since his regular visits to the neighbour's apartment.

The neighbour, surprised and also embarrassed, replied that it was hardly a bother to him to let both the children talk to him about their work and marks as he cursorily browsed through the pages of their exercise books and then gave them back with a word or two of compliments. It did not take him more than five minutes for each of them.

The neighbour added that he wished he had more time to spare for the children but then he brought the shop-accounts home for daily posting. These kept him busy till bedtime.

The visits started when the child found that the neighbour's child regularly showed to his father his school work and "talked" his marks of the day with him while his own father showed no similar interest whenever he wanted to talk his work with him. His father did not want to be disturbed when he was watching TV programmes which ended when the child was already fast asleep. So the neighbour's child was moved by sympathy and made an offer: "Why don't you come over to my place and you too show your work to my Dad"? A Word of Compliment.

Regular interest of the parents in the child's work at least by mere inspection of his books for a few minutes serves as a great boost to the child's confidence and efforts to do well in the school. A word of compliment costs nothing but would save a good deal of costs if the child. so complimented, completed his studies sooner and with higher ranks.

There will continue to be TV programmes. if that is the lasting interest of the father, when he is old and cared for by the son when adult. The son will have become financially fairly settled, through good education, to facilitate this leisure for his father.

If the importance of inspection of the school books of the child can be appreciated so should the importance of investigation of the buddies (close friends) of the child. The importance of the two is linked for a successful completion of the child's education.

It is the bad buddies more than the good ones who can cast a greater influence on the child. Their companionship serves as a source of encouragement or prodding for all that, which is restrained or restricted by the parents; it is therefore, attractive to the child. The examples are an unbridled liberty of movement and loafing about, truancy, relaxation in the discipline, unruly "group behaviour" in the streets and other public places, and. worse still, immoral inclination.

What is even more attractive to that child who is well under disciplinary control at home and apparently worthy of the parents' trust is the sense of sharing secrets among the friends and loyalty to each other with regard to their secrets of misbehaviour outside home. Collective Adventurism.

In fact, children are tempted to misbehave among their friends out of collective adventurism for its sake. The adventure of sailing across the previously unchartered waters of the excitement of permissiveness in a group. all urging one another to paddle on, is the greater pull than the products of the adventure. And yet the products can include serious addictions which hook some of the children to ruin their prospects for good education and ethics.

It is such an alluring spectrum of friendship which poses the risk of the child's obedience to his parents to become eroded and subordinated or tampered by his collective loyalty with other children to their peers among the friends.

The child may be uncomfortably unwell or indisposed. He would however not reveal his state of health to his parents for fear of being grounded at home and missing seeing his friends; or he would still slip out to meet them against the instruction of the parents which was to take rest. Parents should have a cause for concern and begin a discreet investigation if the child's attachment and loyalty to his group of friends are disproportionately this much excessive.

To have friends and want to be with them almost regularly is not only normal but also healthy for the child. However, this normalcy imposes a great responsibility upon the parents. It is essential therefore that the parents keep a track of the movements and behaviour of the child outside the home.

They should get to knowing closely his friends individually by inviting them home and maintaining regular contact with them through the child to the extent that the parents should also show some interest in knowing their performances and conduct in the school so as to be reassured and relieved regarding the caliber of the child's close companions.

What is more important is for the child to be made aware of the "temporary" phase of the temptation for the adventurism which is attendant with the risks of the child acquiring certain "permanent" addictions in result.