Child Psychology

5- Let the Child Be a Child (part 2 of 3) 5- Let the Child Be a Child(part 2 of 3)

• Behavioural Traits -

CAUTION: The few examples of various shades of the complex catalogued herein are from such broad general experience as is common in the society. They have been "framed" only to illustrate the fluid nature of the behavioural traits.

IMPORTANT: It is important to gain the right perspective of the subject under discussion through the Islamic point of view which is as follows: A human being rightly senses his self-importance but he fails to realise that the feel- ing originates sub-consciously from the fact that the nature in which he has been created acknowledges that he is the most dignified as a member of mankind among other creatures (ashraful makhluqaa) and that too created by the best of the creators (ahsanul khaliqeen).

However, the mistake man does is by wanting to relate his self-importance to the human assessment -that is, how best the society sees him, - and not in his relation to his Creator as to how best He judges him. Therefore, a complex of inferiority or a sense of superiority on the basis of a human judgment indicates a serious weakness of faith -if observed in a Muslim.

8n1all children being human are no different from adults. They too by nature are concerned with their shades of self-importance. Their family being the only world they know, they too are made to feel concerned as to how their parents judge them. They are sensitive to a negative judgment. Their reaction is however different from that of adults when they become a subject of an inferiority complex.

The Catalogue of Examples

Let us examine first the examples of the traits in adults. There are those among adults who adjust themselves by adopting an introvert approach of moving among the close circles they have known for years. They would not venture into new, unknown or larger circles of people. But then there are also those who are extrovert in approach and engross themselves in countering the condition by trying to attract attention to themselves and register their importance on others. Frankly, there are no reasons for having to do any of these.

To attract attention to oneself or to want to register one's importance on others is normal, if it is within reasons and up to a point. For example, this is common with a younger person who is flattered to be in a company of the people older in age and. among them, perhaps many with new or distinguished faces.

It is however, not normal where a person betrays the following traits, as examples only, in his behaviour while in a company of people or at meetings. He pays little attention to the chain of discussion going on because his mind is engaged in wanting to create an opportunity of saying something or he would abruptly interrupt to introduce anew subject of his liking; or he would drop names of important persons known to him while there is no direct relevance to the discussion. All these are in the attempt to impress his importance so that he is not seen small or a person of little importance, which he wrongly thinks he is seen.

For more examples; the subject purportedly reveals solemnly an important and sensitive information, which is exaggerated, if not false; or he publicises a small honour done to him by 'complaining' that he did not deserve it but, was pressed into accepting it, or raises the same small or petty argument, long forgotten, to renew his lame defence. or goes on defending his opinion or judgment though he knows that it is glaringly wrong.

What is worse. he misinterprets good intentions towards him. Or he makes a mountain out of a mole-hill when he is offended unintentionally or his is a lone opposition to a proposal which is favoured by a large consensus in a meeting, without an alter- native suggestion from him because what is important to him is that he spoke -with- out being seen to toe the lines of those in large majority whom he perceives' falsely as 'elite' or superior to him. A combination of any of such behaviours with a degree 7, of consistency indicates the tell-tale signs of the condition which is above normal, - the complex of inferiority. An ear-ring!

One more trait which is prevalent among young persons who are affected is to "borrow from the reflection of the importance" of celebrities, like musicians, actors, sportsmen, and "proudly" bask under their infectious reflection. They do so by imitating the trends set by them in the fashion of clothes, greetings, walking gait or any aspect of face (or one ear) adornment, or hair-cut - however peculiar or unconventional they may be for males -in the society. They attempt to borrow from the reflection of the importance of others because they see themselves -or believe that others see them -as lacking in their own individual importance (self-identity).

Imagine, a cricketer, a hero himself to the millions of cricket fans, revealing such a weak personality. This may be a sign that the complex originating from his childhood has yet to wear off, if it ever will!

6- Spare the Child from Inferiority Complex (Part 3 of 3)

Precautions At Home

Your child returns home seething and mumbling a complaint incoherently. You touch his hand as a sign of assurance of your concern and love for him so that he opens up; and this angers him further to worsen the situation. There can be a valid reason for this, and yet there can also be one which is not; -it may be connected with a complex of inferiority.

There are a number of precautions which parents need to take so as not to cultivate an inferiority complex in the child. The most important one is for the parents or any member in the family not to make a sneering reference to any negative aspect of the child's appearance, complexion or physical handicap which unfortunately is the tendency of a father to do so in the moments of anger over any incident of mis-behaviour by the child. It is vicious when the child is a girl and if it comes from the father; arid worse still, if this is occasioned in the presence of his siblings or friends.

There is no such thing as an ideal or perfect human appearance. Monkeys ask among themselves: Is it the ugly face which gives a human-being so much brain? And that may not be all! Some crawling species of insects are rarely trampled upon unaware because human-beings are believed to smell horrible, even from distance. Perhaps, the human speech sounds most irritating to some animals; music perhaps even f worse!

When a child -who is so viciously subjected to this indignity at the hands of his parents -meets other students on his day of enrolment in the school, instead of eyeing the competitive possessions of each others. like multi coloured pencils. books with flashy covers or even toys brought stealthily from home. the poor soul appraises the shape and size of their ears, to see if any pair was matching his as a solace. His has to be worse anyway because his father sees it so and says it.

Agony of Funny Name

Such a child normally for want of sympathy at a child's level. feels inclined to confide to his new desk-mate the agony of the funny name by which he is teased at home because of say, the shape of his ears or nose or head or the wide gap in a front row of teeth. What follows next is that he becomes known by that very name in the school in a matter of days only to worsen the agony which is likely to result into a fateful distaste by the child towards the school and the consequent poor performances in his entire school life.

Parents should also desist from scolding or insulting or punishing the child in the presence of others, especially his friends; worse, if the practice is during the meals time in the presence of the siblings. Apart from making him feel small, he may reply back only to defend his ego (self-respect) in their presence and thus create a precedent for such regular "encounters" in future also.

Besides, the right of the parents to lecture the child over a bad performance becomes only due if they have the fairness of commending and praising him also for a good performance as and when the occasions arise. And when it comes to lecturing him on his poor performances. his should never be compared with the performances of others by names, among his friends, relatives or neighbours, to make him feel distinctly small. He will believe that they too see him as small and "worthless" As this judgment comes from his parents. it will be disastrous if he resigns to it as being a fact and that which he thinks is irreversible.

Acting Like A Boss

On the contrary, whatever the ups and downs in the child's graph of performances, he should be encouraged to invite friends home and allowed the laxity or latitude of acting like a boss of the house in their presence, so as to assist him to build up a good commanding image of himself to impress the friends. This boosts personality. He will talk about each such occasion for hours after the friends have left.

Parents should restrain themselves from revealing, jovially or in frustration, to others outside the family, any of the child's behaviours and habits which are no credit to him. Bed-wetting, obsessive fears (say. of insects or darkness), hand-feeding, etc. are examples. The family's friends and neighbours and their children may take the liberty to tease the child in public. The conditions are temporary and wear off, but the teasing in public persists. The child should be protected by the same restraint which the parents exercise to protect each other's own bad habits from the public knowledge.

And then, the parents should also avoid quarrelling among themselves in the presence of the child. The family is his world and the parents are his only heroes (role- models) in his world. The scenes of quarrels will demolish his perception of his nice world and his good image of the parents. He would look elsewhere outside his home for a better hero to idolise and imitate.

The result will be the pin-up pictures of the celebrities pasted on the walls, dangling of a cigarette from a side of the lips while looking into a mirror, an ear-ring in an ear, a peculiar hair-cut. baggy or drain-pipe trousers or the pair with multi- coloured patches -which all are the signs of borrowing "self-importance" from the reflection of the importance of others, when his own is made to appear lacking or shallow.

Children Shoot School-mates.

The incidents of children shooting down fellow-students in the schools are horrible, but not quite inexplicable. The former are most-likely the victims of the 1nferiority complex in a society which believes in an unrestricted freedom for children. The recent (March 2001) examples are the separate shooting in two High Schools in California. The teenage gunman in one was said to be "unpopular" among the students. In another incident, 15 people were killed by a student in a Colorado High School in April, 1999.

The child agonised by false perception of his unpopularity in the school reacts abnormally to make himself truly unpopular. He is seen at home moody, rebellious, depressed or brooding. The unmistakable tell-tale sign is his outburst strangely against the parents at their expression of love or concern. A gun is the means for a sudden command over power and assertion of his importance over others. The newspapers headlines will flash his name. The TV media will beam his pictures. He will have "accomplished" what no one among his peers or any in the elite group could dare. He too is important. He will have the last laugh!

Electiveness of Sijdah

So if the child returns home badly upset and complains falsely over what appears to be his ego having been offended, which is a Satanic trait, get him to perform a quick sijdah and teach him to tell himself while in a sijdah the fact that he and all others who ever walked on this earth are small and unimportant before Allah, and that he is the greater than them because he knows that fact. How Allah sees and judges him is all that he cares for! Perhaps by this way. the parents may undo whatever they may have done in laying the foundation for the child's complex at home.

The understanding of the significance of Sijdah is normally minimal to a child, but it has its impact to last him during his adult life. Firstly, he will remember his child-hood experience of Sijdah which he will always connect to the false feeling or perception of being small in a society. Mind always need a trigger for strength, and what can be a better one than Sijdah in pertinence to the subject? Secondly, it will serve to register in his mind that an Inferiority Complex arises in a person who is weak in mind and faith.

However, the effectiveness of sijdah during childhood depends on the child seeing the parents also in sijdah while they are performing their Salaat regularly. And then the importance of regular supplications (dua) to Allah swt for guidance in raising a good (saleh) child with a stable mind and strong faith should never be under-rated.