Child Psychology

13- the Child Let Sulking Ceases Sulking

The answer from the parents was negative when the adolescent daughter asked for permission to attend a late-night party of girlfriends the following day. And yet a couple of her friends came in time to pick her up. Smartly dressed for the party, the daughter departs oblivious to the decision and displeasure of the parents. The daughter had already registered with the parents a catalogue of such examples previously, some even more worrisome to them.

In fact, seeking permission and then doing exactly what she intended to do regardless whether permission was given or not, was the daughter's "dutiful way" of only informing the parents so that they were aware.

It was the parents, that is, mostly the father, often supported by the mother, who 'graduated" their daughter to this irreversible status of freedom in her relation with them. However, the graduation came about gradually in phases as the daughter grew up from childhood. :;"

The Doors To Graduation.

There was the primary phase, to start with, which then inevitably opened the doors to the two subsequent phases leading to the graduation. The parents would more often than not decline permission to the daughter unfairly as a tradition when she was a child because they felt "No" was rightly safer than safely right. However, as the refusal was unfair but always pops out first as a tradition in the family, there would "rightly" be a reversal later to please not only the daughter but also the parents them- selves!

Perhaps the parents enjoyed the feel of authority over the daughter or reversal of refusal was their way of impressing her about their love for her. Whatever the case, the consequences that ensue stage by stage become irreversible. They include a long-term disturbance in the mental and physical health of the parents.

There followed another phase, as the daughter got to know the weakness of fickle- ness (wavering) of the parents. She would argue, sulk or cry until the answer is reversed to "okay yes, dear" where the parents should have remained firm with the original refusal. Such a successful exploitation of the parents' love was more a rule of the game than exception for the daughter. With it, her choices for which the initial permission was negative became bolder and bolder. What is worse, the siblings too tended to follow her behaviour.

Resoundingly & Resolutely.

The best love and affection for the child, since her early childhood, lies in the parents saying "NO" resoundingly and remaining firm with it resolutely provided however where such an answer is absolutely prudent or fair and the child is explained fully the reason for it. The child may show anger and sulk temporarily but will have permanently more respect for the authority of the parents.

So instead of coming up with a quick initial or cursory negative answer to every request for permission in the beginning -only to be reversed later, the parents must give an earnest thought to the child's request. They may even take time and then come up with a firm and final decision, which is fair, and this may turn out to be rightly in favour or against the wishes of the child. Unfortunately, this is not the case with a number of families and on many occasions. The long term and far reaching consequences are disastrous.

The daughter who has been conditioned by her own parents into exercising such a freedom in open disobedience to the parents tends to continue with the freedom after her marriage and runs the risk of the break-up of her marriage even before its first anniversary.

When the parents let the awe and respect of the child for them to erode, the most likely result is the frustration of most of the aspirations of the parents regarding his/her education, carrier, religious commitment, family attachment or good conduct in the society, and also his/her matrimonial happiness.

If only the parents would tell the child the truth: that this world is not as warm, rosy and saintly as it seems to the child while he/she is under the care and protection of the parents; that this world is not needless of precautions against dangers which lurk am in every corner, and that refusal of permission where prudent and kept firm is apart of that very care and concern which in turn makes the child feel this world safe and secured.

14- Gaining Vision from Family History

A client brought his prospective (intended) partner to my office for a cursory (initial) appraisal of a proposal for a construction of a modern office building which he intended to finance with an option of a joint ownership on completion. When the prospective partner introduced himself, I got curious because of his surname. I asked whether he was related to a person of his community with the same surname with whom I was very close until he emigrated. He confirmed that he was, whereupon I naturally inquired more about their relationship.

The client was surprised to find that I knew the history of the grandfather of the prospective partner, which I had learnt from the emigrant cousin. The prospective partner was almost a stranger to his own family history of struggle, set-backs through mistakes and bad luck, and the later successes through patience and faith.

Later the client informed me that his interest in the proposal diminished following the accidental appraisal of the person he intended to work with in the proposal. He - realised that as in the case of the proposal, an appraisal of the person intended to be involved in a proposal was equally important. The ignorance of one's own family history was seen a demerit.

Lessons For Right Vision.

Almost every family has a known history of tact, hardship, perseverance, devotion, and of adherence to principles, values and faith in the course of the constant struggle in life with an alternation of set-backs and successes. The known history may span over three preceding generations or more. Every young member in the family has the right to be informed of such history of the family by the parents so that he later in life as a responsible adult is able to draw lessons from it and formulate his vision aright.

There may have occurred partnership disputes, business split, divorce cases, inheritance disputes, losses from business speculation and such other situations in the past in the family through perhaps negative emotions or miscalculated reasoning or misplaced trust with some disastrous consequences. Family history, if known, can help the succeeding generations avoid a repetition of the occurrences or exercise caution to avert such potential situations.

But before a child is old enough for information about the family-history, he has yet a prior right, equally important, -a right to that best and pertinent piece of education which originates only in his home and can avail to him in his young age only by the parents. That piece is about the reality of this transient life, the life of a constant struggle, exacting mental, physical and emotional toll, until there comes the inevitable exit in the form of death. He may not know that the struggle begins right from birth. He too cried as he struggled for first few initial breath, which is normal for all babies when they are born.

Importance In Timing.

The importance lies in timing the imparting of that piece of education for good effect. The time is when the child is getting inquisitive about the reasons for the quarrels and disputes which he hears about or witnesses as each occurs among the adults. The reasons are mostly connected with the struggle as part of this mortal life attendant with human weaknesses. He cannot.

be explained reasons without allowing him the perception of the constant struggle in the life of every mortal, whatever his station of life, and which is attached to every family. To preserve health is also an ongoing struggle until there is a succumb to natural death.

The child has to be impressed that there is always a twist and turn in the struggle; and ups and downs in the history of every family and that the family in which he is born is no exception. Examples of the struggle are given to tf1Ie child in the form of piece-meals narration of the family-history as and when appropriate occasions arise as he keeps growing up.

Then the child, on his .part as an adult later would, for the information of his children, add the narration of his own life-history of strife and successes as a continuous process of passing on the family history to the succeeding generations.

The grasping power of a grown-up child with regard to the family history and the les- sons intended for him in the narration should not be under-estimated.

Tribute To The Grandfather.

There are some people who hear about the pieces of the history of struggle and successes of their family either late or from other elders of the local community. They wished they had heard it earlier and from the family so that they could not only have paid tribute to the grandfather while he was still alive but perhaps also asked him for details and the reminiscence of emotions involved.

Allah (swt) mentions in the holy Qur'an the importance of history. It offers guidance and lessons so that the reality of life is known and the mistakes committed avoided. The family-history is no different. The following are the examples of the Qur'anic verses: 'And all We relate to you (the Prophet) of the accounts of the apostles is to strength- en your heart therewith ' (11 :120). 'In their histories there is certainly a lesson for men of understanding ' (12: 111)

'Thus do We relate to you (0' Our Messenger Mohammad!) of the (historic) accounts of what has passed (of old); and indeed have We given to you from Ourselves a Reminder (Qur'an)'. (20:99).

Let us learn from the desert ant which crawls long distances under the scorching sun. It stops and turns itself to look behind now and then in order to be able to monitor the direction and forge ahead. It never gets lost. We too need to look back into the family history, that is, if we have been made aware of it in good time, as we march on with the time with no repetition of past family mistakes.