Child

The Child Let Sulking Ceases Sulking

The answer from the parents was negative when the adolescent daughter asked for permission to attend a late-night party of girlfriends the following day. And yet a couple of her friends came in time to pick her up. Smartly dressed for the party, the daughter departs oblivious to the decision and displeasure of the parents. The daughter had already registered with the parents a catalogue of such examples previously, some even more worrisome to them.

In fact, seeking permission and then doing exactly what she intended to do regardless whether permission was given or not, was the daughter's "dutiful way" of only informing the parents so that they were aware.

It was the parents, that is, mostly the father, often supported by the mother, who 'graduated" their daughter to this irreversible status of freedom in her relation with them. However, the graduation came about gradually in phases as the daughter grew up from childhood. :;"

The Doors To Graduation.

There was the primary phase, to start with, which then inevitably opened the doors to the two subsequent phases leading to the graduation. The parents would more often than not decline permission to the daughter unfairly as a tradition when she was a child because they felt "No" was rightly safer than safely right.

However, as the refusal was unfair but always pops out first as a tradition in the family, there would "rightly" be a reversal later to please not only the daughter but also the parents them- selves!

Perhaps the parents enjoyed the feel of authority over the daughter or reversal of refusal was their way of impressing her about their love for her. Whatever the case, the consequences that ensue stage by stage become irreversible. They include a long-term disturbance in the mental and physical health of the parents.

There followed another phase, as the daughter got to know the weakness of fickle- ness (wavering) of the parents. She would argue, sulk or cry until the answer is reversed to "okay yes, dear" where the parents should have remained firm with the original refusal.

Such a successful exploitation of the parents' love was more a rule of the game than exception for the daughter. With it, her choices for which the initial permission was negative became bolder and bolder. What is worse, the siblings too tended to follow her behaviour.

Resoundingly & Resolutely.

The best love and affection for the child, since her early childhood, lies in the parents saying "NO" resoundingly and remaining firm with it resolutely provided however where such an answer is absolutely prudent or fair and the child is explained fully the reason for it. The child may show anger and sulk temporarily but will have permanently more respect for the authority of the parents.

So instead of coming up with a quick initial or cursory negative answer to every request for permission in the beginning -only to be reversed later, the parents must give an earnest thought to the child's request. They may even take time and then come up with a firm and final decision, which is fair, and this may turn out to be rightly in favour or against the wishes of the child. Unfortunately, this is not the case with a number of families and on many occasions. The long term and far reaching consequences are disastrous.

The daughter who has been conditioned by her own parents into exercising such a freedom in open disobedience to the parents tends to continue with the freedom after her marriage and runs the risk of the break-up of her marriage even before its first anniversary.

When the parents let the awe and respect of the child for them to erode, the most likely result is the frustration of most of the aspirations of the parents regarding his/her education, carrier, religious commitment, family attachment or good conduct in the society, and also his/her matrimonial happiness.

If only the parents would tell the child the truth: that this world is not as warm, rosy and saintly as it seems to the child while he/she is under the care and protection of the parents; that this world is not needless of precautions against dangers which lurk am in every corner, and that refusal of permission where prudent and kept firm is apart of that very care and concern which in turn makes the child feel this world safe and secured.

Gaining Vision from Family History

A client brought his prospective (intended) partner to my office for a cursory (initial) appraisal of a proposal for a construction of a modern office building which he intended to finance with an option of a joint ownership on completion. When the prospective partner introduced himself, I got curious because of his surname. I asked whether he was related to a person of his community with the same surname with whom I was very close until he emigrated. He confirmed that he was, whereupon I naturally inquired more about their relationship.

The client was surprised to find that I knew the history of the grandfather of the prospective partner, which I had learnt from the emigrant cousin. The prospective partner was almost a stranger to his own family history of struggle, set-backs through mistakes and bad luck, and the later successes through patience and faith.

Later the client informed me that his interest in the proposal diminished following the accidental appraisal of the person he intended to work with in the proposal. He - realised that as in the case of the proposal, an appraisal of the person intended to be involved in a proposal was equally important. The ignorance of one's own family history was seen a demerit. Lessons For Right Vision.

Almost every family has a known history of tact, hardship, perseverance, devotion, and of adherence to principles, values and faith in the course of the constant struggle in life with an alternation of set-backs and successes. The known history may span over three preceding generations or more.

Every young member in the family has the right to be informed of such history of the family by the parents so that he later in life as a responsible adult is able to draw lessons from it and formulate his vision aright.

There may have occurred partnership disputes, business split, divorce cases, inheritance disputes, losses from business speculation and such other situations in the past in the family through perhaps negative emotions or miscalculated reasoning or misplaced trust with some disastrous consequences. Family history, if known, can help the succeeding generations avoid a repetition of the occurrences or exercise caution to avert such potential situations.

But before a child is old enough for information about the family-history, he has yet a prior right, equally important, -a right to that best and pertinent piece of education which originates only in his home and can avail to him in his young age only by the parents.

That piece is about the reality of this transient life, the life of a constant struggle, exacting mental, physical and emotional toll, until there comes the inevitable exit in the form of death. He may not know that the struggle begins right from birth. He too cried as he struggled for first few initial breath, which is normal for all babies when they are born. Importance In Timing.

The importance lies in timing the imparting of that piece of education for good effect. The time is when the child is getting inquisitive about the reasons for the quarrels and disputes which he hears about or witnesses as each occurs among the adults.

The reasons are mostly connected with the struggle as part of this mortal life attendant with human weaknesses. He cannot. be explained reasons without allowing him the perception of the constant struggle in the life of every mortal, whatever his station of life, and which is attached to every family. To preserve health is also an ongoing struggle until there is a succumb to natural death.

The child has to be impressed that there is always a twist and turn in the struggle; and ups and downs in the history of every family and that the family in which he is born is no exception. Examples of the struggle are given to tf1Ie child in the form of piece-meals narration of the family-history as and when appropriate occasions arise as he keeps growing up. Then the child, on his .part as an adult later would, for the information of his children, add the narration of his own life-history of strife and successes as a continuous process of passing on the family history to the succeeding generations.

The grasping power of a grown-up child with regard to the family history and the les- sons intended for him in the narration should not be under-estimated.

family either late or from other elders of the local community. They wished they had heard it earlier and from the family so that they could not only have paid tribute to the grandfather while he was still alive but perhaps also asked him for details and the reminiscence of emotions involved.

Allah (swt) mentions in the holy Qur'an the importance of history. It offers guidance and lessons so that the reality of life is known and the mistakes committed avoided. The family-history is no different. The following are the examples of the Qur'anic verses: 'And all We relate to you (the Prophet) of the accounts of the apostles is to strength- en your heart therewith ' (11 :120).

'In their histories there is certainly a lesson for men of understanding ' (12: 111) 'Thus do We relate to you (0' Our Messenger Mohammad!) of the (historic) accounts of what has passed (of old); and indeed have We given to you from Ourselves a Reminder (Qur'an)'. (20:99).

Let us learn from the desert ant which crawls long distances under the scorching sun. It stops and turns itself to look behind now and then in order to be able to monitor the direction and forge ahead. It never gets lost. We too need to look back into the family history, that is, if we have been made aware of it in good time, as we march on with the time with no repetition of past family mistakes.

School Enrollment with a Spring-Board

A frustrated parent asked: how can he make his child to like the school and the answer was: make him to like his studies, and then the supplementary question was. how to make him to like his studies; the answer to that was: make him to like his school. What comes first?

There was a child, recently enrolled in a school for the first time in his life, who refused to believe that apart from a regular weekend holiday, his school could be closed for any week-day sometimes. He insisted that his mother dresses him, as usual, for the school on that day too which he was told was a national public holiday. However, he calmed down after his tearful pleading had failed. He liked the school because he was good in his studies and the school was the place he could show him- self off and bask in pride in front of other children in the class.

If the child's hand was not the only one raised on any occasion when a teacher asked questions then his would be the only one which popped up faster for fear of other possible competing hands. He knew almost all the answers to the point of virtually proving himself a nuisance to the teacher, naturally. The teacher wanted to see other students too have the self- confidence of volunteering answers as a reflection of his effective broad based teaching in his class.

There was however, nothing miraculous about the child, who was the only one then, in the family. A few weeks prior to the anticipated enrolment of the child, the mother would regularly teach him in progressive stages exactly what he would be taught later in the school.

It was from a simple basic syllabus known almost to all parents. The child too was enthusiastic because he thought that learning from the mother would qualify him for entry in the school. It would be fun for him to accompany the child next door, already a student and a friend, to the school. Magic Wand.

Now, a few prior and simple lessons at home before enrolment, and a continuation of some more "prior" lessons after the enrolment, was the magic wand that created a spring-board for the child, and there was no looking back after that. Once a liking for the school is triggered it produces good results in the studies; and then one sustains the other in a healthy cycle throughout the schooling life leading, for many, to a university graduation.

The key is to appreciate the child's natural sense of a positive competition and rivalry among the children in the class, progressing in stages each giving way to the next as follows:

Stage One: On the day of enrolment and also for a day or two thereafter, the child brings to the school his toy, the one he likes best, thinking his is the only one that exists, often without the knowledge of his parents. He proudly reveals its presence to some of the classmates many of whom do almost the same with regard to theirs, in competition. This stage passes to usher stage two:

Stage Two: Toys lose their relevance when the child finds older students come to the school with books and pens. He now brings to the school books and pencils alright but with flashy and colourful in appearance for a show off in competition with those brought by other children. Alphabets And Figures.

Stage Three: Subsequently the lessons start in earnest beginning with paintings of pictures and writings of alphabets and figures. Now the competition spills over into what is written (or scribbled) in the exercise books and painted (or soiled) in the drawing books by the students. Here the child who had the advantage of prior les- sons at home is surprised and impressed to find that he knows to do his work in the class quicker and better than other students. He attributes his competing ability as independently his own, which presumption is healthy as it sharpens his sense of com- petition. .

This is the spring-board which has its effect and relevance, only if created, before the child begins his schooling life. This spring-board is simple to create for each and every child in the family so that the child reports at the school equipped with it to commence his schooling life. It has been done successfully by others whose children have been obtaining top ranks successively in every grade.

There have to be initiatives and personal pain on the part of the parents for sowing the seed of interest in the child about his studies before his enrolment. The seed so timely sowed will then germinate on its own and bloom into a flower with an unending fragrance throughout his schooling life. Such is the parental influence and impact on the child. No school. however good. can ever provide a substitute for this brand of a spring-board.

Mother's True Love for Son is Sharing his with his Wife

On the third day of her marriage, the bride, that is, the daughter-in-Iaw requested her I mother-in-law to assign to her those of the house responsibilities which she wanted f her to assume, as her share, to relieve the mother IL of them. This was done. I However, the mother IL stressed that she, and not the daughter IL, who would prepare and take the early tea to her son, "as always" after they all have woken up for sub "h" prayers. Again, it is the mother who would wait for the son and give him company at dinner, "as always", as he returned late from work. The daughter IL would join her father-in-Iaw and children at their dinner earlier.

The mother continuing to be possessive with regard to her son, or more so after his! marriage is seen as a part of a centuries old culture. The mother-in-law herself tasted the brunt of the culture when she also was a daughter-in-Iaw in the husband's family. It is a culture which provides justification for many a failure of matrimony between the loving spouses.

However, the culture can be tampered with some degrees of reasoning so that the matrimonial happiness of the son is not sacrificed at the altar of the culture. The mother must understand that she has no cause for jealousy when she finds the son f engrossed in the new experience of a married life with a temporary result of a cur- r tailed attention to his parents. The novelty wears off. In the meantime, moved by jealousy, the mother will have caused some irreversible harm in her budding relation with the daughter-in-Iaw.

This culture, however unfair, is revered or endured because it is given the garb of family ethics and values to be upheld religiously by every daughter-in-Iaw if she has to prove herself worthy of not only her husband butt also his family.

No parents would want to accept their daughters back after the marriage who fail to abide by the culture because the same culture would be prevailing in their families too. To them it is the cultural values which count more than the religious values where they conflict and they always do. Mother's possessiveness, sharpened after the son's marriage, is part of the culture.

Culture of Taboos.

It is no wonder if it is taboo for the daughter-in-Iaw to mention her husband by his name or refer to him as "her husband" in a possessive term in a conversation with her mother-in-law.

She will respectfully mention him as "your son", as an admission that the mother's share of her son rests larger and ranks higher than the daughter-in- law's share of him as her husband. It is in the interest of the daughter-in-Iaw to avoid mentioning how loving "her son" is to her. That would mean a covert encroachment over the mother's share.

In fact any let-up in the degrees in which the culture is followed at present in an enlightened society on the contrary is considered as a relaxation in the cultural discipline in favour of the daughter-in-Iaw especially when it comes to enjoying a conjugal life. The culture had or has perhaps even now more "teeth", otherwise called "ethics and values", in the rural society in India and Pakistan. The victims are not only the daughters in law but also the sons, both in millions across the sub- continent.

The daughters-in-Iaw in an extended family in a rural society are required to remain in a constant company of their mother-in- law during the day time while engaged in the domestic chores or farm and dairy work or even while taking short rest napping. It is considered highly disrespectful for a daughter-in-Iaw to offer a smile to her husband in manifestation of love or a signal of a yearning for his company -in the presence of the parents-in-Iaw.

Fake Headache.

There were times when it was considered indecent for sons in a family to share the same room each with their respective wives every night when retiring for the night. The adult females slept together with their children separately from the adult group of male members in the family. However, it would rest upon one of the sons, in turn, who would discreetly fake a convenient headache now and then before retiring for the night and request the mother for "her daughter-in-Iaw" to attend to him. Of course, the mother knows and accepts the situation, perhaps grudgingly.

Of course, but for the loyalty to the culture which transcends the religious values. no marriage could survive this cultural intimidation, but then divorce too was contrived smartly as unthinkable within the ambit of the same culture to ensure the blind loyalty to the culture to the end.

It should be remembered that Allah as the Creator has placed love and compassion between the spouses and each derives satisfaction from them by matching them in contrast. The husband derives his satisfaction by obeying his masculine instinct and urge of protecting. maintaining and caring for his wife.

The wife realises her satisfaction from that love and compassion placed by Allah between them by the feeling of being protected, maintained and cared for by her husband which in turn sharpens her love for him. No wonder that Allah mentions in the verse 30:21 with reference to this "love and compassion" that "surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.". 'It is for this reason that a husband harbouring love in his heart for his wife must keep expressing it in words, but then the cultural inhibition, if not intimidation, may not permit it.

It should also be noted without the raise of eye-brows that Islam accords more consequences for that young mother who is expected to have yet a longer and more useful life in the society for fulfilling the purpose of producing and nursing children than that mother who has already fulfilled hers during her long useful life.

Tearful Scenes.

There arises however a problem with far reaching consequences when the son, as husband behaves exactly as is dictated by his masculine nature and Islamic obligations in defiance of the family or societal culture. The mother would interpret it as being against her share of love from him brought about by the influence of her daughter-in-Iaw on her son, this having come about only soon after his marriage. So in order .to prompt sympathy and protection from her son, she would create quarrels with her daughter-in-Iaw. Exaggerate them and then keep reporting them to her son with the punctuation of emotional and tearful scenes.

It is however not the intention to say that all the mothers are wrong or always wrong or are suspect in this connection. On the contrary there are growing examples of both the parents also being callously subjected to a sinful maltreatment by their daughter-in-Iaw., sadly with the support or tacit approval or indeed connivance of no other than their own son! It is even worse if the son is docile in nature or of a weak personality in the presence of his wife.

There appears to be a catalogue of such sins committed openly for all in the community to know as if to give rise to a new culture to be applied by all daughters-in- r law., especially those who have a greater say in the affairs of the family than their husband. Worse examples of such families are generally not unknown. The families are rated poorly in the community. Love And Loyalty.

The sincere advice to the parents is however to let their son uphold the demarcation set in Islamic obligations for the respective shares of love and loyalty for them ant the wife. Each of them has to address determination (mind) to accepting those obligations. This however can be done only if the son too from the very beginning of the matrimonial life upholds the Islamic rules in managing the affairs of the family in which the broad interest of the family as a whole ranks higher than that of the couple.

That indeed is a true love of the parents for their son if it motivates them wisely for the success of his matrimonial life which is yet to run its course after they are no longer around. When the mother gives birth to a baby-girl, she knows the reality of life -that she is raising her up for her husband, and the daughter's love will be shared between her mother and her husband. And when it is a baby-boy there is no difference.

His love is similarly to be shared by her with his wife. How beautiful it is that her loss in the share of love from the son is compensated by the arrival of grand children who more than fill the gap in love.

The wisdom lies in the parents facilitating the "greatest enjoyment" by their daughter- in-Iaw of her share of love from their son in order to secure for themselves the "greatest share" of his love; and then there are congenial smiles all around. There are prominent examples for emulation in this direction. This approach of appeasing the sentiments of the son is a master-piece for success because it accords well with the human nature.

But then there are examples, not a few, when a son is raised since childhood under the domination of the mother. Later the mother would decide what shirt the married son likes and should put on. He is made to depend on the mother, and after her departure, on the wife for his likes and dislikes. The son is raised to own a weak per- sodality and end a loser in both the situations in his life time. Ironically, the wife, later also as a mother-in-law, keeps the cycle turning in adherence to the culture of intimidating her daughter-in-Iaw by possessing the son away from his wife.