Converts To Islam

Faizah Jauharah

My journey to Islam, or as I call it my adulthood 17 year journey through the wilderness of darkness - really began in childhood.

For as long as I can remember, Ive had a great thirst for knowledge, and knowing about other religions was no exception. I grew up the only daughter of divorced parents - a Christian mother and, as I later learned, a Muslim father. As I got a little older I began to feel some dissatisfaction with our denomination of choice, but as a dutiful child I did as my mother told me.

The teachings of that denomination and finally Christianity itself just didnt seem logical; and the more I read the more convinced I became that something wasnt right. I tried asking questions of my family and of the pastors, but instead of getting answers I was dismissed as just a mere child. Somehow, the phrase And the little child shall lead them or Suffer the little children to come unto me just didnt apply to me. Yet I just had to know. I mean I was smart, so how anyone could say that Jesus died on a Friday and rose on the third day and then tell me that the third day was a Sunday, mathematically was impossible. Or even something as simple as God created the heavens and the earth and all that was upon it is six days and rested on the seventh, yet we went to church on Sunday - the day the calendar says is the first day. In my mind, these were simple questions and all I wanted were simple answers. I admit some of my questions were a bit more complicated. For example, how come

some denominations allowed women to be spiritual leaders, but not the Catholic Church?

As I grew into a teenager, my questions became much deeper. I couldnt understand, for example, how the preacher could say that we should not be concerned with material things but rely upon God to provide; yet he was always dressed in the best clothing, drove a fancy car and lived in a great house, often at church expense, while many in the congregation didnt have much. Then lets not even talk about tithing - Im supposed to give 10% of my gross income, something I never actually see (okay so I didnt have a job at the time, but still it was the principle) to God, but I was taught that God had no need of money.

Although my father wasnt around much as I was growing up, in retrospect I realize that his influence was ever-present. I was raised in a way that was very Islamically based. I had to dress in a lady-like fashion, I couldnt hang out with boys or in the streets with my friends and I needed to account for my whereabouts at all times. I would get into lots of trouble if a boy who lived near me walked with me home from school. This was problematic when I was the manager of the boys track team in high school because several of the boys lived near my house and the coach insisted that they make sure I arrived home safely, otherwise they would be in trouble with him. We came up with a creative solution, but I didnt like the idea of being sneaky and neither did they. After all, we werent doing anything wrong, just walking home after practice; but we did what we could to make sure that my family and our coach were happy.

Also during this time, my mother advised me or should I say ordered me, not to get involved with a Muslim man - ever. Her reason was that Muslim men oppress women. Women werent allowed to work, were forced to live in poverty, had to completely cover up themselves, couldnt do anything without

her husbands permission and the biggy - might have to share her husband with several wives.

She often recounted the numerous times when before their divorce, how my father would give all his money to the mosque even if it meant I went without shoes. What she didnt tell me was that he was not following pure Islam at the time, but was following the teachings of Elijah Muhammad and Malcolm X of the Nation of Islam, which was very popular especially during the 1960s.

As a dutiful child I stayed away from obtaining any knowledge about Islam, because I trusted my mommy and knew she wouldnt tell me anything false.

Finally, the time came for me to go away to college. It was during this time that my adulthood journey through the wilderness of darkness began. I tried to be like my peers and wear short, fashionable skirts and go to parties and the like. I wasnt accepted with this crowd. I was told I was too serious - I was too focused on getting an education. Yet despite this, I got in trouble and mommy made the decision to get me out of it. That made me lose it as is often said. I started to fight and disobey my mother. I even met a Muslim man on campus. He was nothing like my mother said. He treated me like a queen and never made me feel unintelligent or childlike despite the difference in our ages. I felt that I could trust him and he wanted to marry me and take care of me. Unfortunately we got into a fight; one caused because I simply lacked knowledge of Islam and therefore didnt understand certain terminology. I was too ashamed of how I reacted to apologize to him, so instead I found myself agreeing with my mothers assessment of Muslim men and so I left college, and began my journey.

I thought my life would be better, but the only blessings I received were my children - and even with them Ive had to

struggle, mostly because I was a single mother. The father of my daughters lived with me for many years but because he was so busy building his empire as he called it, I was still a single mother doing everything for my children and working and going back to college. Finally, I found out what he was doing - he was involved in drugs and was sleeping with other women, so we parted company.

I fell apart, but then, looking into my childrens faces, I knew I had to pull myself together - if only for them. Even in the face of immediate homelessness, I pressed on. I turned to the church for comfort, guidance and assistance, as it was the only place I knew. I was blessed to be able to buy a home and give a future to my daughters. All was going along fine, but then I felt that I needed someone to ease my burden. So I met someone and got married. We had a son and things should have been wonderful, but they werent. The father of my daughters took me to court and lied not only on me, but also on our oldest daughter and stole my youngest with the courts permission in 1999. Im still trying to get her home - she is in danger with him and his new wife - the woman he was sleeping around with. My marriage fell apart, because my husband insisted that he heard the voice of god and was told that I was disobedient so he didnt have to take care of us, even to the point of denying us groceries. I know now I was in an abusive marriage, yet all of my intelligence didnt show me that at the time. Allah, tried to show me, but I ignored Him, but Allah did not leave me even then. I was so blessed but didnt even know it.

All throughout this time, I was still struggling to find a church where I fit in. I couldnt. The unanswered questions and the treatment of women in several denominations was just too real to be dismissed; so I stopped going but continued as best I could to keep my faith strong. So to hear my husband say that God told him that it was okay to mistreat me and the children just

made me angry and more confused, because it felt like I was being punished for doubting what the church leaders told me. He finally left and I thought God had left me too.

Then one day in June 2001, I met a wonderful Muslim man. I thought he was decreed to be my new husband. He was not - but rather he was the catalyst that led me to finally opening my heart to the life I should have been leading all along - Islam. So I read everything I could find, trying to understand just what the status of women was and what was a mans responsibility to a woman. Not only was I surprised to find that my mother was incorrect but I was also pleased to find answers to the questions I had asked for so long. My life had new meaning and purpose. I immediately and without hesitation made shahada and felt a great weight lifted from me. My journey through the wilderness of darkness - the darkness of misinformation, wrong guidance and ignorance was over.

Knowing how my mother felt about Muslim men, I was afraid to tell her; then I realized that perhaps her feelings were deeply personal and as a loving mother she wanted to shield me from similar hurts through the benefit of her experience. I loved my mother even more at that moment of realization - but I was still afraid to tell her. Finally, after much prayer I picked up the phone and in a round about way, told her how my life had changed. I explained that for so long I had felt uncertain about Christianity and what was said, taught and written; the half-truths and untruths and the changes that had been made over the years to suit mans needs. I further explained to her that I had found what I was seeking - peace and unaltered truth -- in Islam. I expected her to start a lecture on why I shouldnt get involved in an Islamic lifestyle and certainly not Muslim men; instead, she quietly and calmly confirmed what I had identified as the real issue - my fathers treatment of her in his days of wrong guidance. Mothers never cease to amaze; just when you

think you have them figured out, they go and do something like this. I lost my dear Mother recently, so this is now one of her last and precious gifts to me -- the gift of understanding. I had some precious last moments with her and although she was very tired, I believe that she repeated shahada while I held her hand and recited it. I love my Mother and miss her already.

During our talk, I reminded my mother of how tired and discouraged I had become with working and how I would be perfectly content to stay at home, even though she had always taught me to be independent and have my own money. Once again, my mother surprised me. She said that she knew thats how I felt and that she respects me for it and knows that I would indeed be happy as long as I could fill my days with what is important to me. The more I read, the more I understand that the role of single mother is not what Allah describes in the Quran. I long for the life that I know I can have by pleasing Allah and doing as he says in the perfect guidebook for life. I know that when Allah decrees it, it shall be.

I have much yet to do to break out of ways that have become commonplace for me because of circumstances, so while my journey through the wilderness of darkness is over, my journey along the right and straight path and finally to Jennah continues. This is a journey that I can make and know that I will not be alone - although we all make the journey by ourselves to please Allah.

All I can say is All praise to Allah. I was never alone even as I wandered through that wilderness of darkness.

Holy Quran 16:64***
And We have not revealed to you the Book except that you may make clear to them that about which they differ, and (as) a guidance and a mercy for a people who believe.***