Daughters of Another Path (experience of American Women Choosing Islam)

Story 3: From Devastation To Acceptance

In the next family the mother goes from devastation to a very warm acceptance of what her daughter has chosen, but it has happened over a period of many years. The daughter has been Muslim for 12 years. Upon first learning about their daughter becoming Muslim, the mother rated her own feelings regarding the conversion as a 1; the father, a 4. However, both of them rated their feelings at 8 at the time of the questionnaire. The mother shares her story.

When our daughter went to an out-of-city [church] college, we felt confident we were sending her to an environment as close to our home life as possible. We met her new friend from [a Middle Eastern country] when we visited her and liked him. We even invited him to our home one weekend. We never thought that this would become a serious relationship. We thought this daughter was the strongest of all four children when it came to religion. Four months later she told us that she was no longer attending Mass. The next semester when this friend transferred to another college, she wanted to do the same, but we refused to let her. We were hoping this would be the end of the relationship and that she would come out of the "phase" she was in.

The next summer, the friend rented an apartment in our home town, and our daughter moved in with her grandmother since we were not getting along very well. She announced to us the latter part of June that she was going to many him in August, "with or without us." We reluctantly went along with the plans but none of us believed this wedding would ever happen. But it did happen at our home by a judge which was a compromise since she had not yet converted to Islam. His parents had not yet been told of the marriage, so we did not have the support from his family to confirm our objections.

It was a few months later she told us she was converting. I responded to that news with anger, hurt, and fear. The anger was aimed at my son--in-law mostly since we were convinced that our daughter never would have made this decision unless she had been brainwashed. It hurt because it appeared at the time to be so easy for her to give up a lifetime of instruction and living with our lives centered around Jesus Christ. The fact that she could just reject these teachings in just a few months was devastating. The fear at first was that our other children might do the same since she was the oldest child, and they all looked up to her and respected her opinions. As time went on we became more aware of the Middle East and listened carefully to the news and reports of terrorists from that area. Then the fear was for her. As long as her husband was in college, we felt certain they would not leave the United States, but we did not know what might happen when he was finished. After they had their first son, we were more afraid than ever that he [her husband] would want to take them to his country. This fear somewhat was eased when he became an American citizen. We tried to relax a little and try trusting. We were riot only worried about her earthly life but her heavenly life as well.

The scripture that kept haunting me was John 14:6: "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the father but through me." I decided that if the scripture was bothering me, it was going to have to be another scripture that relieved me. So I began reading that chapter word by word. In the very first verse I got the inspiration I needed. "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Have faith in God and faith in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places." This scripture said to me that if there are many dwelling places then there must be many roads leading to these places. Jesus is preparing a place for Christians and Mohammad is preparing a place for Muslims. God just picked a different road for our daughter to follow, and she is following it the best she can. Which is exactly what we are all trying to do. No one in this family will try to add obstacles or bumps in her road to make it more difficult for her. This was the main story that helped me adjust.

I'm going to add a little story that helped confirm my insights. One day my oldest grandson was very insistent that I learn the Arabic language. When I asked him why he thought I should, he responded, "Because when you die the angels will come and ask you certain questions in Arabic, and you will have to know how to answer them or you will go to hell." I knew by the tone of his voice that my answer to him had to be a good one, and it turned out to be the answer to myself also. I told him, "We each have our own private angels that know exactly what is in our hearts. I will know the answers to my angel's questions, and you will know the answers to yours." He appeared relieved and I felt very relieved. To me the answer to the differences in our faith is just that simple. It was also helpful seeing our daughter as a mother and knowing that many of our basic values were being passed on. She is a very caring and delightful daughter and a wonderful mother of now two boys ages 10 and 3. We still have a loving relationship that all of us work very hard to keep. We have a good family foundation, and I'm sure it will withstand any differences we may face in years to come.

We are fortunate that they do partake in family Christmas festivities. They think of it as their "Eid" sharing time with us. When Eid really arrives, they share it with her husband's family and friends. I don't know if that will last forever, but for now that is how we handle it. We do not celebrate Islamic celebrations with them only to acknowledge them and respect the value they have in their lives.

Each family's story is different, but in these three stories each family wants to work with the situation. Although cares and concerns are still present, they are working out how to relate. As family, we are always in relationship whether it is positive or negative. Parents may have feelings of betrayal, of being wounded or fractured. The way parents react to the daughter may cause the same feelings in her. At some point in the process of reconciliation there has to be a decision of how to handle the hurt and how to allow that to affect oneself. Many times we are mindless about our relationship and are not aware of how we are treating others. We are so quick to defend ourselves, so quick to pull our heads into our shells like a turtle, so resistant at times to anything that is outside our understanding.

Steps Toward Reconciliation

There are common threads in the three stories shared by these parents that are played out differently in each situation. These common threads can help us navigate in positive ways through relationship building and maintainance in our own situations of reconciliation.

First, there was an innate yearning to maintain the relationship even though deep hurt and separation had occurred. In Story 1 the mother states that "we loved her and wanted to continue being a part of her life." My own experience of reconciliation was one of wanting to make the relationship good. It didn't happen immediately. In fact it would have been easy to have gotten stuck in the resistance mode, which was my first reaction. I was so angry and hurt that I wanted to walk away from Jodi and Reza, get them out of my life, and never have to deal with them and "that problem" again. For me that phase of wanting to completely reject them lasted only a short time-just overnight. How grateful I am for the experience that helped direct me towards a desire for healing to take place. It still hurt and it took months of grieving to feel okay; it took several years to come to a comfortable level of acceptance.

Another thread that assisted in rebuilding the relationship was the willingness to try to understand what the daughter was choosing. In her deep longing for release, one mother searched the scriptures and found help that kept the lines for acceptance open. This may be an almost forced effort, an act of the will at first, to take this step of openness, but parents with a strong sense of values should be able to risk hearing and seeing and feeling what their daughter is experiencing. The daughter may have "moved" too far away from the family to the point that there are feelings she has transgressed against the family, and the family actually feels injured. Each family member must make the decision of how to react. Some things the daughter has chosen may be beyond the capacity of the family to accept. In that case, retreat may be the best approach.

In this step of trying to understand, one can search out resources to read and learn about what the daughter has chosen. A caution here: what is read may reflect Western views or may be culturally slanted. There are also various interpretations within the Muslim community, and they don't always agree. Books might be selected from the bibliography at the end of this book or from suggestions offered by the Muslim daughter. This is prime time to start thinking through a personal theology and belief system and strengthen one's own spiritual life. Many times we have accepted beliefs we haven't even examined; we have heard our preacher say it or it was on a religious program or "that's the way Grandma believed." With the desire to reconcile in place and the openness to understand, one then needs to identify and confront the factors that are important from the parents' point of view and to identify their feelings whether it be rejection, frustration or lack of control. The family members may need to be gentle with themselves until strong enough to start the journey of relationship-building again, taking time to work through the denial, the anger, and the depression. Some members of the family may even need to seek out counseling to help work through feelings of anger or grief. One factor that may be identified is anger which is a natural emotion in such circumstances, but it is important to express it in appropriate ways, so that healing and reconciliation can happen. Even in this situation, God's healing love and forgiveness is present, and family members can find release and can come to a sense of the problem by letting go of the hurt; otherwise there will be feelings of being burdened and diseased.

Another factor that may be identified as a concern is our inability to let go of control, to let go of the young adult offspring which is a difficult task for many parents whether or not their daughter has turned to Islam. A parent may already be experiencing anxiety, loss, and grief as a natural phenomenon of letting go. When a daughter makes choices with which the parents are so unfamiliar, it may compound the situation with feelings of fear, uncertainty, and failure. It is important to understand that some of the feelings that a parent is experiencing may not be directly related to the daughter's conversion.

Still another factor is that the daughter may not be in a readiness mode to work on the relationship, and thus, there is the possibility for more feelings of rejection on our part. She may be trying to gain strength and re-freeze in the new roles she has chosen before facing the power of her parents. Many elements of change may be affecting her at once-education or work, new religion, new cultural expectations, new marriage, the transition into adulthood. For most of the women in the study, several of these factors were present.

The fourth element is that of hope. These situations are not usually settled immediately. There will be a lot of steps forward and then some steps backwards in building and maintaining the relationship. There may be times when the daughter has to retreat and is not ready to continue work on the relationship. Likewise, there will be instances when we must take time for personal grief and growth while keeping the lines of communication open. It is the sense of hope that allows us to be patient with our daughter as we must be with ourselves.

Well-meaning friends and relatives may dash our hope as they react with comments like the following: "Oh, your poor daughter-she will go to hell. We will pray for her."

"All women are treated so terribly over there." "What will she do if the husband leaves her and takes the children to his country?" "That is just about the worst thing that could happen." Such reactions are not meant to hurt but to sympathize and reinforce what they perceive as our reality. On the other hand, some people are able to be listeners, to question, to empathize with our concerns. Talking with them helps us reflect what we are feeling and helps clarify the confusion within us.

If we can be cognizant of these common threads or basic steps of opening ourselves by desiring to relate, by being open to understanding and acceptance, by identifying and confronting our own feelings, and by remaining hopeful, then we are in a growth mode for reconciliation. We can thus deal with our anger, fears, and grief; we can find help through the passage of time. Using techniques of prayer, relaxation, calmness, and visualization can help us keep from sinking into depths of despair and wallowing in it. Even though we may not want to join our daughter in her path, we will be able to journey with her from our own pathway.

7. Following the Path into marriage When Two Become One in Islam

From the first moment Jodi and Reza told us they wanted to - get married, they made it clear that they intended to live in his homeland, Iran. It was at the time that American hostages were being held captive in Iran, and relations between Iran and America were not good. That was really frightening to me. The fact that he was Muslim seemed less important because we anticipated that he would probably convert to Christianity. Besides, we really respected and liked this young man. The dreaded day had finally arrived. Reza was taking Jodi to Iran to live just as they said they would when they got engaged. They had made a trip to Iran early in their marriage, but now that Reza had his bachelor's degree in engineering plus a master's degree in industrial technology and Jodi had completed her bachelor's degree in nursing, they were ready to go. The war between Iraq and Iran was still being waged. It just didn't seem safe. So far away-would I ever see her again? The scene from Fiddler on the Roof again flooded my mind as I pictured Tevya with his second daughter at the train stop waiting to send her off on the train to Siberia to be with her husband. I heard again the words of his daughter's song, "Far From the Home I Love."

Jodi and Reza sold everything they had except for what they could carry in the four huge suitcases that they would take with them to start life in Iran. They spent the last night with us. They were so excited and happy! Seeing them off that next morning at the airport was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I felt like Jodi was going out of our lives for good. I wanted to lie down on the airport floor and kick and scream. But I kept control until we got to the car where I could safely fall apart. She was gone. I would never see her again. It was as if she were dead. This marriage had torn her from me, taking her to a strange, war-torn land.

But life went on, and I went off on a work trip to Canada. Joe called me there to tell me Jodi had called. A dam had broken in a mountain above Teheran, and the water had come through the area where they were living with Reza's parents. Over a thousand people had been killed by the surging water and mud slide, and among the dead was Reza's father who had been drowned in the basement apartment where the family lived. Most things in the apartment were ruined as it was under several feet of mud and water. The family rescued their father's body from the water, cleaned the apartment, and tried to save what they could. I felt a deep sadness. Yes, I was sad about Reza's father, but I was also overwhelmed with another kind of grief. If Jodi had lost everything she had taken with her to Iran, how could she ever remember who we were or her former life? She had nothing left to remind her-all her pictures were gone, all her keepsakes, her papers. I was sure that she would forget, over time, who we were and who she had been. Now her family would be Reza's family, and no doubt we would eventually lose contact.

Three months later we received another call. Jodi and Reza were coming back to the United States. The economy in Iran was difficult as a result of the war. They began to realize that they needed more time to build their financial strength before making the commitment to live in Iran. What a celebration for us! They were coming back. We would have our Jodi and Reza back. We have had many years now together in the same metropolitan area. The respect and love we had for Reza from the beginning has grown and matured. The role Reza seems to express in his family with his wife and children is similar to that of conservative Christians who feel the responsibility to be head of the family. He takes seriously that leadership for the family while at the same time encouraging Jodi to be a participating partner in their decisions.

If we were to describe all Muslim husbands by the model presented to us by our son-in-law, we would tell you they are gentle, strong, kind, intelligent, courteous, happy, dependable, nurturing. We are amazed at his knowledge and commitment to practice his religion, his desire that his children grow up to be practicing Muslims and be protected from bad images on TV or movies, his feeling of responsibility to be sure his family is cared for, and his dependable handling of finances. There is also his strong feeling for his family of origin and connectedness to his country of origin. Just as the value of a strong male role model in the home and family is important in the Christian family, so is this strength fostered in the Muslim family. The husband is encouraged to be a strong force in the family, to provide the financial support for the family, and to give leadership in decision-making and religious practices.

Some of the women questioned converted to Islam while they were still single, and they said it was important to them that they marry a Muslim. On the other hand, a non-Muslim woman's introduction to Islam may have come at the time she married a Muslim man. In other instances, a prior interest in Islam may have opened the way for a non-Muslim woman to develop a relationship with a Muslim man.

The husbands in my survey came originally from a variety of Countries: Iran, Iraq, Syria, Egypt, Jordan, Palestine, Kuwait, India, Turkey, Lebanon, Pakistan, Kenya, Afghanistan, Oman, Tunisia, Morocco, and United States of America. Many of the men now hold United States or Canadian citizenship and all are well-educated. Some plan to take their families back to their country of origin or are already living there; others are committed to living in the United States or Canada with hopes of being in a city where there are large Muslim communities in which to worship and to raise their children. One of the women who was single when she responded to the questionnaire wrote later to tell me that she had married a wonderful Egyptian man who extended to her and her family care and respect.

+You are probably wondering why I am telling you all of this. I just want you to understand that in Islam the institution of marriage is what has helped me to practice my religion to the fullest amount possible. As an American convert, I found it very hard at first to be a good Muslim and follow all the changes I had to make in my life, even though I did do it gradually. Now with my husband, I feel even more fulfilled. In my heart I know that I have made the right decision. I am most lucky to not have to decide between my family and Islam (because Islam would have won), but I am most lucky because Allah has guided me to the right path. I am not saying I have no problems, but all I do now is look into my heart and read Qur'an and I feel that all is better. The couples met in a variety of settings just as is common in America-at college, in the job setting, at social activities, or through friends. Here are some stories of those meetings.