Daughters of Another Path (experience of American Women Choosing Islam)

How We, As Muslims, Experience America

+Americans in general seem to have a tendency to stereotype. They see us in a scarf and automatically think our husbands dominate us and that we are conservative. +This response will be the hardest because of the bitterness I feel toward this country. "The land of the free, home of the brave . . ." is nonexistent and the hypocrisy of this government really burns me up. The arrogance of this society that this is the best society and culture on earth in terms of women rights, human rights, children rights, minority rights is exasperating. The statement I make to people when they push their superiority on me is "This is America where everyone has a right to choose what they want to believe." Personally, I do not believe the American experiment is working. The society has been stripped of all values and Christian churches have warped the Bible so badly by giving people the philosophy that all sins will be forgiven and whatever feels good do it. I know that no society is perfect, but I want to increase my children's odds of success by putting them in an environment of a one-culture society, the culture and society with values that we hold important-a society with a limited amount of choices as to acceptable behavior. My husband and I can provide the high-tech opportunities of the West without poisoning our children with the value-deficient culture of the United States.

+American women have chosen or accepted Islam through research and understanding and not by force or influence from their husbands. Just because there is a story of one crazy Iranian who abused his family-even if it is true doesn't mean the whole country is like that. I urge people to think about what kinds of abuse and molestations go on here every second! I urge the American people to use their God-given brain and not to sleep through life!

+It gives me great pain to know that Muslims and Islam are so terribly misunderstood by the majority of Americans, which gives rise to hatred, dirty looks, and rude comments, which impedes our rights as Americans to practice our religion freely. This country was founded by religious people seeking a country where they would not be persecuted for their beliefs. We are now even more of a melting pot than ever, and if we want to succeed as a nation and keep the ideals of the Constitution alive, we have to understand, accept and respect each other, regardless of religion, customs, or style of dress. I-strongly encourage all Americans, whenever they see a woman in long, modest clothing covering all but her hands and face, instead of staring and feeling sorry for her, smile, greet her in peace, knowing that she is a strong, confident person trying to worship her God and your God the best she can. We are all citizens of this country where we are supposed to be free to worship as we please. Let's work together to keep it that way.

Epilogue

When Jodi came home to visit us that Thanksgiving day and shared the news with us of her conversion to Islam, it was like she had stabbed us with a knife. How could our sweet daughter do anything as bizarre as this? Both my husband, Joe, and myself were deeply hurt. Certainly, Jodi did not want to hurt us-but she had-and we were unable to understand what she had done. We were numb, but we were also angry and not sure we wanted our daughter as a part of our family. A decision would need to be made. Should we just consider she was no longer welcome in our home and treat her as if she were dead?

Jodi was not the first daughter who had disappointed her parents by making a decision contrary to their tradition. In fact, daughters and sons rarely make decisions that are completely in harmony with parental wishes. Oftentimes we have discovered the parental response is "get out and never come back; you are dead to our family." We were very fortunate that we were able to resist such a temptation. It could be worked out. As a family we would try to understand, and in trying to understand, we also have journeyed on another path and discovered a way of life which although strange to Americans, is wholesome and fulfilling for many of those who have chosen the Muslim experience.

Part of the discovery was that the media portrayal of Islam which is generally negative, does not often view the positive kinds of things that are happening. The negative sells. Therefore, the view most often displayed does not consider the wonderful, strong women I have met through this study who have chosen to resist the path of purely personal gratification and instant pleasure. Choosing Islam in America is not an easy path. Muslims are considered to be strange by most Americans. Wearing a scarf; refusing social drinks, not gambling, not being patriotic to the United States or Canada-those are not ways to win friends. Some seem to dismiss those who convert as just "not very smart." A study of Muslims in this country would no doubt reveal a very high number of professionals-doctors, engineers, nurses, professors, business men and women, teachers-along with blue collar workers, students, and homemakers.

The prevailing view by many Americans is that Muslims are terrorists, and they are quickly blamed whenever there is an act of terrorism. This prejudice has resulted in many attacks on Muslims. Following the bombing in Oklahoma City, in April 1995, Muslims across the country suffered personal indignities as the media quickly blamed the attack on Muslim terrorists. Many Muslims were spit on, crudely addressed, threatened, or in other ways put down as if they were responsible for the bombing just by being Muslim. Such behavior may not represent the bulk of the American population; however, it does demonstrate a certain bias against a religious minority in this country.

The United States of America was founded by those seeking the opportunity to worship freely and according to their own desires. We who are citizens of the United States have been quite proud of our history of religious freedom. Whether or not we intend to allow that freedom to be equally shared will be tested as Islam and other Eastern religions begin to grow and take their place in this culture. Islam is one of the fastest growing religions on the North American continent, and it is important to know and understand these people who seek to live and find happiness among us.

Sometimes loved ones make choices that cause reactions in us ranging from heart-wrenching to heart-warming. Some choices may push us too far, and we may respond as Tevya did, in Fiddler On the Roof, at the marriage of his third daughter when he indicated that there was no "other hand" because if he bent that much (to accept what she had done, who she had married), he would break. By contrast, some choices our daughters make (and sons, too), may open us up to the world around us if we allow ourselves to explore this new path in the spirit of adventure and discovery. Jodi's decision to follow Islam was the beginning of such a walk for my husband and me. In our walk, we have discovered many wonderful people trying to live full and abundant lives by trying to eliminate the mediocrity of the present-day culture and attempting to bring up their children to respect God and the rights of others. The choice was there to accept or reject, and thanks be to God, we decided to take the road of acceptance. It has been an exciting and fulfilling journey sharing with and learning from these daughters of another path.

Appendix A: Letter and Questionnaire: American-Born Women Converted to Islam (Collected from September 1993 through July 1994)

TO: American-born women who have converted to Islam

FROM: Carol Anway, a parent whose daughter, Jodi, converted to Islam and Jodi Tahireh Mohammadzadeh, the daughter who converted RE: A research project to foster understanding of the choice to convert to Islam and the effect of that choice on one's life DATE: September 1993 Twelve years ago our daughter, Jodi, married a young man from Iran and about two years later converted to Islam. Although we were very accepting of our new son-in-law, it was a struggle to accept this change of religion which Jodi chose. We are so grateful that they lived close enough so that we had time to work through our relationship with her and Reza regarding their lifestyle and traditions that were so new to us. That relationship has been enriched even more by the coming of two grandchildren.

Friends and acquaintances are familiar with the book and movie, Not Without My Daughter, and other articles that are very negative. They do not understand the strength and quality of life Jodi and her other American Muslim sisters have in their Islamic commitment. We want to share a more realistic image by gathering and sharing some of your stories through a descriptive research and possible articles or book. Carol, the director of the research project, has a master's degree in education/counseling. Jodi is working on her master's degree in nursing. We will be assisted by a small group of American-born women who have converted to Islam and are professional educators. This is a cross-sectional study of women in major urban areas of the United States and Canada. The study is based on those American-born women who have converted to Islam and wear the covering (hijab).

whether married or unmarried. Our intent is to gather stories of women from a wide geographical area of the United States and Canada by their completing this questionnaire.

The purpose of this study is to explore and describe the effect that conversion to Islam has had on the lives of American-born women and their families. We want to emphasize the positive aspects as well as acknowledge stresses that have occurred. We hope, through the writings that will result from this study, to encourage the families of origin of American Muslim women to work through their struggle to understand and accept this choice to convert to Islam. The data in the attached questionnaire contains both objective and subjective questions to answer. This will assist you in describing your experiences as a Muslim woman.

The questionnaire collection period has been extended from May 15 to June 15 but we would like for you to send your completed questionnaire to us as soon as possible. We want to reinforce the confidentiality of this project. Carol will be the only one who will know what name goes with what data and will be very careful to keep what you share separate from your name. However the data gathered will be used in articles and possibly a book to reflect the data and stories collected.

If you have any questions about the study, please call Carol at 816/2527541 in the Kansas City area.

Sincerely, Carol Anway and Jodi Tahireh Mohammadzadeh P.O. Box 27 Lee's Summit, MO 64063

AMERICAN-BORN WOMEN CONVERTED TO ISLAM QUESTIONNAIRE

by Carol Anderson Anway and Jodi Tahireh Mohammadzadeh

Directions: Thank you for your willingness to respond to this questionnaire. There are two parts to it. The first and last pages are easy-just collecting information. The rest of the pages present questions for you to respond by writing down your own experiences. After filling out page one, respond about your own personal experiences using the questions in small print to guide your responses where appropriate. You may write in the spaces on the questionnaire or on separate sheets of paper.

Please feel free to make copies of this questionnaire and introductory letter to give to other American-born women who have converted to Islam. Encourage them to fill it out and return it within 6 weeks after receiving the questionnaire.

I. STATISTICAL DATA

Age---- Vocation-------- Work Status ------------ Education (Circle highest achieved) Grade School High School AA BA/BS MA/MS Doctorate Other ----------- Education at time of conversion: ----------------------------- Marital Status--------Never Married--------Married --------Divorced --------Widowed If married, nationality of husband-------- Years Married-------- Number of children-------- Ages-------- If school age, are they in--------Islamic --------public school----home school

How many years have you been Muslim? ------------ Check the areas of Islam which you practice: ----wear cover (hijab) ----daily prayers ----fasting during Ramadan ----eat only approved meats ----on-going study of Qur'an and Islamic teachings Name------------- Phone (--------))---------------- Address----------------

II. YOUR CONVERSION TO ISLAM

Describe the process of your conversion to Islam. What was your religious commitment prior to converting to Islam and the extent of that commitment? Describe the changes that you needed to make in your life as a result of your conversion and practice of Islam. Were there areas left behind that caused you grief and loss?

How has this change helped you be what you wanted to be? What has been (or is) the most meaningful part of Islam for you? III. LEARNING TO LIVE AND PRACTICE AS A MUSLIM

How did you learn to live as a Muslim? Who was most helpful to you? What was most helpful to you? To what extent has it been easy or difficult for you to take on the religious practices?

IV. YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN

What effect has your choice to be Muslim had on your relationship with your parents and other family members? What do you hope for in regard to your relationship with parents or family? What were or are the main points or events of stress (if any) with your family of origin?

How do you manage the celebration of traditional holiday times? How do you include your family of origin in your Islamic celebrations? What are the difficulties or pleasures for you when you visit your family or leave your children with them?

V. YOUR HUSBAND

How did you meet your husband? What were the characteristics that attracted you to him? What needs did you have in your life that this man seemed to fill for you? What part did he have in your conversion? How did your family of origin accept your husband? 1. before marriage as your friend 2. as your fiancee 3. as your husband Tell about your marriage ceremony. What elements of Islam were in the ceremony?

VI. THE HOMELAND OF ORIGIN OF YOUR HUSBAND

To what extent does your daily life include the traditions and culture of your husband's country? What are your goals in regard to living in your husband's country or U.S./Canada? What citizenship does your husband now hold? VII. YOUR HUSBAND'S FAMILY Have you met your husband's immediate family? If so, tell about the experience. How have you been accepted by his family? If you move to the area where his family is, how do you expect to fit in? What benefits or problems do you anticipate in relating to your husband's family?

VIII. YOUR POSITION AS A WOMAN What are the rights you are experiencing as a Muslim woman? What are some areas you are grateful for or are apprehensive about in your position as a woman in your marriage?

What are some areas you feel are not open to you in your position as a Muslim woman? IX. CHILD REARING (If you have children) How are your child rearing techniques influenced by being Muslim? To what extent is your husband involved in child care?. What are your rights and obligations with the children? What are their rights and obligations to you?

X. YOUR CHANCE TO EXPRESS OTHER VIEWS AND THOUGHTS What would you like the American public to know about you that has not yet been asked?

Appendix B: Questionnaire: Parents of American-Born Women Converted to Islam (Questionnaires for the parents were sent to most of the women when they responded to the original questionnaire. It was their choice whether or not to send this one on to the parents. A letter was enclosed with the parent questionnaire that was similar to the letter sent with the questionnaire to the women.)

PARENT QUESTIONNAIRE I. STATISTICAL DATA Name: Phone: Address: Daughter's Name: Years Muslim: Level Ed.: Level Ed. of Spouse: Vocation: Spouse's Vocation: No. of Children You Have:

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate how you felt about your daughter's conversion to Islam in the first few days you received the news. May indicate both mom and dad.

Rate how you presently feel about your daughter's conversion

1. Tell about your daughter's conversion to Islam.
2. Tell about the effect your daughter's conversion and commitment to Islam has had on the family.
3. What do you hope for in regard to your relationship with your dz"ghtz in the future?
4. What were or are the main points or event of stress with your daughter (and husband and grandchildren if applicable)?
5. How do you manage the celebration of traditional holiday times?
6. How are you included in their Islamic celebration or how do you wish to be included?
7. What are the difficulties or pleasure for you when your daughter (and her family, if any) visits in your home or you visit with them?
8. If your daughter is married to a Muslim, tell about the experience of that event for you.
9. At the present time, what are your greatest concerns regarding your daughter and her conversion?
10. What effect, if any, has this experience had on your theology and religious commitment?

Appendix C: One Women's Story In Response to the Questionnaire

With many of the responses to the questionnaire came personal notes from the women scribbled in the margin regarding their appreciation of the opportunity to share their story or wanting to know about the responses of others. The following response is written in full to give a sample of one story in total. She expressed in a note that "writing this was an interesting experience-opening up the flood gates would be a good analogy!"

The woman is 35 years old, has three children, works part-time, has a bachelor's degree, and has been Muslim 14 years.