Daughters of Another Path (experience of American Women Choosing Islam)

What They Left Behind

+The journey in the Muslim path required the women to leave behind many of the things they grew up with. The women respondents didn't indicate the they felt any great sense of loss or grief for what they had left behind in converting to Islam. Most responded with statements of thanksgiving that they had found this way of living, but some admitted having to adjust to giving up something previously enjoyed.

+I feel no loss or grief in the life I left behind." I don't feel I left anything behind, only grew into what I wished to become. I don't know what I would have become, but I know I prayed for deliverance from the way I was seeing my life go and the manner of the society. +The hardest change Was when I started eating only Islamic meats not being able to eat the main courses at my family's dinners. At the time I converted, we had to kill our own sheep and chicken at the beginning and it was a pain. +There is nothing in my life before my husband or before Islam that I miss. I have always wanted a logical solution to my religious questions and the ability to research in peace. Religion is an institution of faith and obedience to the intangible, and I have found something in Islam that has touched my heart and feels as natural as breathing.

+There are no areas that I left behind that I feel a loss or grief for. The only thing that I grieve for is my family to come to Islam. +I still feel grief and loss-although not as much as before-during Christmas time. I loved to sing the carols and feel the "magic." I've always been deeply committed to God (except those few years in college) and am very spiritual.

+The only thing I miss about Christianity is decorations and giving and receiving gifts at Christmas. That's it.

+The area that I feel a loss is being able to go swimming because I love to swim and my husband doesn't know how. I want my son to know how much fun swimming can be. Now I don't see how I can help him learn except for a stranger doing it. +I miss the air going through my hair because I wear hijab. But I tell myself to keep a strong faith and that Allah will reward me.

+I can't think of anything I left behind that I miss. I was already tired of the party scene and longed to get married and have babies, just before finding Islam. I could see my previous life was headed downward. I was a bit vain, however, and it took years to adopt hijab. +I sure would like a bacon sandwich once in awhile! +What is painful to have left behind is the very close-knit and rich network of meaningful and lively friendships. +I wasn't really sad to leave anything behind except maybe sausage pizza, but I have since found a place in our area that serves halal beef sausage pizza.

+I have worn hijab ever since converting. Although I recognize its protection, I have found myself wanting to run out to the grocery store without it. I miss the beach, swimming, and basking in the sun. +Connecting all of my life to God is the most meaningful part of Islam to me. I need and love the discipline of prayer and all required of Islam. I now love hijab, and I'm grateful that God saved me from where I was headed and where so many of my friends are stuck. The woman converting to Islam takes on a whole new way of relating to the world. She is accepting a set of practices that, although they may vary with cultural interpretations, are basically universal. She has the task of blending her Western upbringing with that of her husband's culture, that of the Islamic practices, and that of the ummah that is her support group. All this she must do plus rebuilding relationships with her family of origin.

The woman converting to Islam will have the responsibility to help interpret the rights extended to Muslim women in the settings in which they are, whether moving to countries with majority Muslim population or associating with new converts or immigrants to America. They will serve as mentors to teach new converts and to extend friendship to new Muslim immigrants. For American-born converts, jihad becomes a personal reality as they struggle to live out their commitment to God by living and practicing Islamic principles.

Notes

1. Jamilah Kolocotronis, Islamic Jihad: An Historical Perspective (Indianapolis: American Trust Publications, 1990), x.
2. Islamic Sisters International, vol. 2, no. 7 (January 1994).
3. Riffat Hassan, "The Issue of Woman-Man Equality in the Islamic Tradition," in Women's and Men's Liberation -Testimonies of Spirit, ed. Leonard Grob, Riffat Hassan, and Haim Gordon (New York: Greenwood Press, 1991), 68.
4. Ibid., 66.
5. Ibid., 66.
6. Accepting the Daughter's Journey Reconciling The Lifestyle Choices Between Daughter and Parents It had been three years since Jodi told us of her conversion to Islam. The editor of our church magazine was looking for articles on reconciling relationships in the family, and I felt that I could write about what had happened as Jodi and I worked to heal our relationship. I wrote the story and sent it to Jodi to get her approval to submit it to the magazine. I generally told how devastated we were when she became Muslim and how we had worked at "working it out" in those first few years. My story closed with the following:

A basic concept I have is that God is the God of all the world, who loves all people, moves in their lives, and is basic to their expression of religion. As a result of this growing experience, I can say to my daughter: "Jodi, you will be far away from me when you go to Iran. I shall miss you, but I am thankful that during these past few years we have rebuilt our relationship. I have let go of trying to control your life choices, even though I didn't realize I was doing that. Now I support you in your decisions. I appreciate that you are strong in your faith in God, that you care for other people, and that you have committed your life to goodness. You will be a great blessing to people wherever you are.

"You can always count on me for support and love. Thank you for helping me understand that you are not rejecting us-that you have just chosen a different way to express your calling in life. Thank you for being grateful to us for giving you a firm foundation on which to build your life. Thank you for loving us. You are our daughter, our friend, our window to another part of the world. I love you." (Reprinted by permission, Saints Herald, 132:17, November 1985, pp. 18, 19, 24.) The surprising part was that Jodi not only approved the article but responded by writing her side of the story and how she struggled in her choice to pit her love for her parents against her desire to follow what she had come to believe. Here is her side of the story as told at that time.

And Jodi Mohammadzadeh Responds

Before Reza and I were married, religion was at the head of many of our discussions. Despite the fact that our religions had two very different names and faces, we found that our feelings for God were much alike. Here was a man with whom I could express and explore my religious ideas and feelings. Somehow the questions he stirred in me only brought me closer to him. A feeling of trust and friendship grew between us, and we both realized that we wanted to continue to share and support each other. Unfortunately, during the time I had been getting to know Reza, my two best friends knew very little about him. How was I going to tell my mother and father that I had found my life's partner? I needed their acceptance and approval in this, as I had needed it for most other things. I trusted these two dear people for their wisdom and wanted them to be pleased now, as I had always wanted them to be pleased with me. But they barely knew Reza, and it would require time and effort to make them as sure as I was.

When we were married, we agreed that we should study each other's religion to have a better understanding of each other's backgrounds. We hoped that this would continue to bring us together in our feelings despite the difference in the names of our faiths. We continued our learning. Reza sometimes went to church with my family and discussed religious concepts with them. I read articles and introductory books on basic Islamic concepts. Neither of us felt the need to convert the other. Our move to Arkansas put some distance between my family and us. During this time I became increasingly interested in Islam. Reza and I began praying together, and our faith grew. My faith was not only expanding but taking shape. My interest in Islam had matured to the point where it had become part of me.

I had no idea how my parents would take this news. I did not even have a plan of how to tell them. I realized it would hurt them, but I felt confident and comfortable with my decision. I needed their approval-or at least acceptance-and for them to be as pleased as I was. They were not pleased, and they did not approve. I am only now beginning to realize the strength that my faith provided me that weekend. There was a period when I was unsure whether I had completely broken the bonds between my parents and me or had just stretched them severely. Mom reacted verbally; I could deal with that. Looking withdrawn and deep in thought, Dad said very little. I saw it would take time for them to get over the initial shock and anger, but I did not know how long or what our relationship would be. I did know I was not willing to give up either my new faith or my love for my parents.

After that Thanksgiving, when Reza and I went back to Arkansas, I felt empty and uncertain as a result of the weekend's events. Phone calls home were bland. My dreams were filled with scenes of parental rejection, and would awake crying hysterically. Like my parents, I felt something was being torn from me. One thought kept me from losing hope. Knowing that my parents were believers in the same God I had come to trust and love so much, I would wait for them, and let God help them heal.

Since I told my family of my conversion to Islam, our relationship has gone through many changes. No doubt it will go through many more. I can honestly say I have never loved and appreciated my parents more than I do now. I would not trade our new relationship for any other.

"Mom and Dad, thank you for trying so hard to be understanding. I will continue to look to you for your wisdom and support. As your friend, I will try to support you too. All my love"--Jodi. (Reprinted by Permission. Saints Herald, 132:17, November 1985, pp. 18, 19, 24.) Reconciliation was something both of us desired. It didn't mean that Islam was something I wanted to embrace as my own, but I did learn to appreciate what it was calling my daughter and her friends to be.

Change in our lives caused by choices of family members can be very destructive and cause broken relationships. We can become confused in how to relate to each other, and we become upset and frustrated. The hope in all of this is that even in our brokenness, we can experience reconcilation as we move to put the pieces of our relationship back together The new relationship may reflect a different pattern of relating and acceptance. Reconcilation is a two-- way process helping us reach out toward each other to mend our hurt and anger, to adjust to new ways of thinking, and to regain our balance.

Just as the daughters struggle to gain a sense of balance with their parents as they live out their new roles, so do the parents struggle in accepting the daughter's journey in her choice to be Muslim. The women responding to the questionnaire received Parent Questionnaires (Appendix B) that they could share with their parents if they so desired. Seven parents responded to the questionnaires, telling their stories of struggle and adjustment. Responses by both the daughters and the parents indicate that hurt occurred because of lifestyle choices by the daughter that were different from the parents. The questionnaire for the parents asked for reactions to the conversion of their daughters to Islam. They were to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being completely devastated to 10 being really okay with it) how they first felt about the daughter's conversion to Islam, and they were to rate on a similar scale of 1 to 10 how they felt about it at the time of answering the questionnaire. From 3 to 12 years had passed from the time of the daughters' conversions to the time of completing the questionnaire.

In each case the rating had increased, indicating an improvement in their relationship, If they rated their reaction 1 or 2 at first, the later feeling was a 5 or 6. If they rated their reaction at 6 or 7 at first, they felt an 8 or 9 later. Following are three of the stories of how the parents reacted and have worked through the situation.

Story 1: Acceptance in the Face of Concern

The daughter has been a Muslim for 4 1/2 years. She was raised Catholic, but in her senior year of college, she began a search for her own religion. She quickly went through two other Christian churches. The mother, who is the narrator of this story, rated her feelings regarding the conversion, as a 1 at first, but had moved to a 6 at the lime of the questionnaire.

My daughter had begun talking with a Muslim man at a store near us and decided to join that faith. We knew she was studying Islam, but she kept her conversion a secret until some ladies of that faith sent her a bouquet of flowers. I've never invaded my children's privacy, but this time I decided to look at the card which read "Congratulations on becoming a Muslim." We didn't say anything to her at the time. I hoped she would confide in us. Then one day, she asked if she could bring a man to meet us. He was [from a Muslim country]. He asked our permission to date our daughter with the intention of marriage. He explained his religion wouldn't allow him to be alone with her unless they were engaged. We were both shocked as we didn't know he existed until 30 minutes before. Her father was quite up-front with him, expressing his dissatisfaction that women were treated "as inferiors" and were forced to wear that old-fashioned garb while men wore what they wanted. I was more polite, but equally shocked. I had hoped my girls would not be afraid to confide in me as I was in my mother, and I was very hurt. She had already been through two religions, and I was worried that she might marry and then find she didn't agree with this one also.

I wasn't crazy about the idea of her marrying a foreigner. They might go there to live and I had heard stories about such cases as the one portrayed in Not Without My Daughter. I had read something about Islam and was impressed with their devotion. I had always assumed Allah and my heavenly Father were the same. I told that to her husband [to be]. We could not withhold permission as she was twenty-five years old, and that if this man treated her okay he would suit me fine as he seemed to suit her. Really we were extremely worried about her mental condition at the time because of several other behaviors and maladjustments in her life.

She was our daughter. We loved her and wanted to continue being a part of her life. I believed that all have a right to their own relationship with God and have the right to live their own life in their own way. We argued, fussed, cried, wrote letters until we were basically satisfied. It was a very trying time for me. I felt out of control. I felt my worst fears had been realized. I went to a doctor and was put on medication for six months for nerves. We now have a pretty good relationship. We talk, but I don't agree with a lot she says and does. Customs like wearing apparel [covering] bother me. I feel Islamic men are so afraid of their sexuality that the women have the burden of helping them control it. One of her sisters wants to kidnap her and reprogram her. One brother doesn't have much to do with her but the other does. All her siblings love her, but think she is mentally mixed up.

The main points of our stress are our differences in religion (Jesus, Muhammad) and the differing cultural values. We do not dine together because she is not able to be in the same room with male first cousins and brother -in-law. [Note: This seems an unusual cultural restriction when compared with the other stories.] For celebrations and holidays we don't even invite our daughter because she will not acknowledge our holidays or even our birthdays. She wouldn't go to lunch with me on her birthday for fear it was a celebration. Frankly, I don't like this at all. She wouldn't even come over to have her picture made with us and all five kids because her brother-in-law was also here. I think this is a stupid rule and I think it's more cultural than religious. Her father thinks her husband should do some of the changing, and she shouldn't have to do it all. Her husband and father get into arguments.

Not being able to have friends or male relatives is difficult. We tried having separate rooms for males and females once. All the males except her husband ended up in the living room with the ladies. But I enjoy being with our daughter, and I really like her husband despite the stresses.

Really, a lot of the worries I had about her did not stem from her conversion but from what I observed of her mental state. She told us we were going to hell. We raised her in the wrong faith, and we fed her the wrong foods. So I think part of the problem stemmed from the fact she was going through a crisis of young adulthood (my opinion, not hers). She began not to trust doctors, medicine, synthetic vitamins, homogenized milk. So what we were dealing with had more to do with our reaction than her actual conversion. I felt she was afraid of sex, afraid of working, afraid of life, and was hiding behind Islam. I still think that's a strong possibility, but she seems happy and to love her husband and her way of life. So 1 have to accept and hope she will be able to lead the best life she can. The hope I have for us is that we will learn to accept and respect each other more and that she and her dad will reach an understanding.

This family had to deal with a practice unique to the husband's culture, that practice being that his wife (their daughter) evidently should not be in the same room with men other than her immediate family even if she is wearing hijab. The parents are also concerned about other reactions she has had to life.

Story 2: Openness to Diversity and Change

The next family has a history of being more open to and accepting of a variety of cultural settings in which there is more give and take by members of the family. The daughter has been Muslim for seven years. The father holds a Ph.D in counseling and is employed in a college setting. The mother is deceased and there is a stepmother. There are four adult children from the father's family and four adult children from the stepmother's family. The father, whose story follows, rated his first reaction as a 6 with the later rating as a 9.

My daughter's major in college brought her into contact with international students. From her family orientation, she had a high degree of tolerance for people from other cultures and belief systems. I was widowed, and had married a Jewish woman.

When our daughter went to work in the Saudi Arabian Education Mission, she had opportunities to talk with leaders in the mosque. She called me on the phone to tell me about her conversion. My first reaction was not surprise but concern about how she would deal with the discrimination. She has elected to wear the traditional apparel including covering her head, but she seems to deal with the level of bias she has encountered to date. Seeing how my daughter has adjusted helps me not worry.

Our daughter first became a Muslim, then later got married. The fact that he was younger than she and not established in a career were points of greater concern than the religious issue. This was a third marriage for her. The first ended in divorce. The second to an Egyptian Muslim was dissolved within the Muslim tradition. This one was a quiet marriage, also within the Muslim tradition. At first there was some distancing among family [members] and her marriage and husband took awhile to accept, but this worked both ways for him too. Today everyone is very open. The sisters have become exceptionally close although at times some strain exists with the brothers-in--law.

Values and belief systems pose very little difficulty, but do require lots of tolerance and acceptance on the part of everyone. Our daughter is not evangelical about her Muslim beliefs-she seeks acceptance, not conversion. This helps. Communication is great. We are all well-read and love to share ideas about life, politics, and world affairs.

This experience has had very little effect on my theology and religious commitment. I am well-versed in theology and religion. I have always lived a life of understanding and tolerance. I enjoy knowing about the belief systems of others and have always actively sought to be informed. My present religious orientation is that of an agnostic-identity is with a unitarian fellowship. At holidays each person does his or her own thing. The family gatherings are not focused upon religion. We celebrate life and living. We share food. The dietary habits and traditions of Muslim and Jewish are very similar. We are not included in their holidays but acknowledge occasions and respect traditions. We live in a household where shoes are removed, diet is mostly vegetarian with some lamb, chicken, and fish. So these matters are natural. Religious objects and art are not part of our household and our daughter's family does not impose these upon us.

The two grandchildren are great. We do truly enjoy them and they are a real source of pleasure. My greatest concern is discrimination toward her and the grandchildren. My wife lived with this as a child -Jewish in a non-Jewish world. It can be cruel; many so-called Christians hate a lot and hurt others with it. Our son-in-law is Palestinian and most members of his family, including parents, now live in the USA. I have real concerns about prospects for a very assertive daughter if a decision were made to live in the Middle East. My hope for my relationship with my daughter is that it will continue as it is today and that we will be able to have a positive, accepting relationship with grandchildren.

Ours is unique with a mixture of Muslim, Jewish, and Unitarian. We are necessarily tolerant. The strength of this story is the family's openness to diversity and the added dimension brought to the family by the daughter. This household already embraced religious differences and was able to open the boundaries to accept yet another style of life. Even then, there was need for adjustment and work on the part of both the daughter and her family with the family of origin.