Family Life
Section 7: How To Build Your Child’s Confidence
Not everyone is seen as worthy or is accepted in the society. Instead,
we reserve praise and admiration to the few who have been blessed from
birth with the characteristics we wrongly value most highly -beauty,
brains and riches. It is a vicious system, and we must counterbalance
its impact by helping young people to develop self-esteem.
All children are created worth wise and are due the rightful personal
respect and dignity. But how can we, as parents, build strong egos and
indomitable spirits in our children? There are strategies by which we
can instill confidence and self-worth:
Examine Your Own Values
Are you secretly disappointed because your child is ordinary? Have you
rejected him, at times, because he lacks charm or is awkward? Do you
think your child is stupid?
A sizeable portion of a child’s self-concept emerges from the way he
thinks you see him. When the child is convinced he is loved and
respected by the parents, he is inclined to accept his own worth as a
person.
Many children know they are loved by their parents, but don’t believe
they are held in high esteem by them. A child can know that you would
give your life for him, yet still detect your doubts about his
acceptability. You are nervous when he speaks to guests. You interrupt
to explain what he was trying to say, or laugh when his remarks sound
foolish. Parents need to guard what they say in the presence of the
children.
Parents must also take the time to introduce children to good books, to
fly kites and play football with them, listen to the skinned-knee
episode and talk about the bird with the broken wing. These are the
building blocks of esteem.
Teach a “Think Positive” Policy
One of the characteristics of a person who feels inferior is that he
talks about his deficiencies to anyone who will listen.
While you are blabbing about your inadequacies, the listener is forming
an impression of you. He will later treat you according to the evidence
you have provided. If you put your feelings into words, they become
solidified as fact in your own mind.
Therefore, we should teach a “think positive” policy to our children.
Constant self-criticism can become a self-defeating habit.
Help Your Child Compensate
Our task as parents is to serve as a confident ally, encouraging when
children are distressed, intervening when threats are overwhelming, and
giving them the tools to overcome the obstacles. One of those tools is
compensation. An Individual counterbalances weaknesses by capitalizing
on his strengths. It is our job to help our children find those
strengths.
Perhaps a child can establish his niche in arts. May be he can build
model airplanes or keep rabbits or play football. Nothing is more risky
than sending a child into adolescence with no skills, no unique
knowledge, and no means of compensating. He must be able to say: “I may
not be the most popular boy in the school, but I am the best football
player in the team.”
I recommend that parents assess a child’s strength, and then select a
skill with the best chance for success. See that he gets through the
first stage. If you find you have made a mistake, start again on
something else. But don’t let inertia keep you from, teaching him a
skill.
Help Your Child Compete
A parent who opposes the stress placed on beauty, brawn and brains
knows his child is forced to compete in world that worships those
attributes. Should he help encourage his “average” child to excel in
school?
I can give you only one opinion. I feel I must help my child compete in
his world as best he can. If he is struggling in school, I will seek
special coaching. We are allies in his fight for survival.
But while helping my child to compete, I also instruct him in the true
values of life: love for mankind, integrity, truthfulness, and devotion
to Allah.
Discipline With Respect
Does punishment, and particularly spanking, break the spirit of a
child? The answer depends on the manner and intent of the parents. A
spanking, in response to willful defiance, is a worthwhile tool, but
belief in corporal punishment is no excuse for taking about your
frustrations on little child; it offers no license to punish him in
front of others or treat him with disrespect.
It is important to recognize however, that one way to damage
self-esteem is to avoid discipline altogether. Parents are the symbols
of justice and order, and a child wonders why they let him get away with
doing harmful things if they really love him.
Avoid Overprotection
Preparation for responsible adulthood is derived from training during
childhood. A child should be encouraged to progress on an orderly
timetable, taking the level of responsibility appropriate for his age.
An overly protective parent allows the child to fall behind his normal
timetable.
Violence Against Children Growing
In 1989, the convention on the rights of the child was unanimously
adopted by the General Assembly of the United Nations. The convention
sets universal legal standards for the protection of children against
neglect, abuse and exploitation as well as guaranteeing their basic
human rights, including survival, development and full participation in
social, cultural, educational and other endeavors necessary for their
individual growth and well-being. The convention came into force on
September 2, 1990.
Nevertheless, violence against children is escalating, over the world.
Every day we hear of new kinds of violence. The statistics made
available by government, international organizations and social groups
are just a drop in the ocean considering that countless cases go
unreported.
Child abuse is not a new social disease, because history tells us it
has always existed. But it tentacle are spreading throughout the globe,
and it has become more sadistic, pervasive and hideous. Modern
scientific advancements have reduced infant and child mortality leading
to a higher survival rate among children. But technological innovations
have yet to find a panacea for child abuse and its damaging
consequences. Whether physical, sexual, emotional or in the other forms
of maltreatment, it has become universal scourge.
As the WHO neo-natal and infant mortality, through better health,
sanitation and immunization programs, the issue of protecting children
from violence will have to take on increasing priority.
Children are like flowers. Their physical and mental makeup is very
fragile. Physical abuse can lead to a permanent disability. Its mental
effect can also be traumatic with most children suffering live-long
emotional damage.
Ill-treatment of children takes various forms and the worst is sexual
abuse for the sexual gratification of adults. One in every 10 children
is sexually abused, according to the WHO. The disturbing fact is that,
in most cases, the victims are abused by people they knew and trust. For
such children it’s a long struggle for the rest of their lives and many
never recover from physical pain and fade.
In most cases the victims are girl children and they carry their trauma
into adulthood. Because of the stigma attached to this form of abuse,
many victims or their families refuse to report or even talk about such
things. Thus the victim carries the burden for the rest of his or her
life without any psychiatric help.
As society becomes more and more permissive and degenerate, a greater
number of children become targeted, as they are defenseless and can be
held at ransom or otherwise suborned. Those who sexually abuse children
are mentally sick and require medical attention.
On the other hand, parents should educate and equip their children to
protect themselves or expose those who violate their persons. Sexually
abused children also need more love, care and attention to help prevent
them from having mental disorder later on.
Studies suggest that as many as one-third of the adult female
population and one-fifth of the adult male population experiences some
form of sexual abuse in childhood.
The number of maltreated children continues to grow. Children,
particularly abandoned and street children and those from poor sections
are used as cheap labor. In some countries children are used as cheap
sport from poor, third World countries used as jockeys in camel
racing.
Every day, countless children suffer as casualties of war, as victims
of racial discrimination, apartheid aggression; as refugees and
displaced children forced to abandon the security of their homes; as
disabled or as victims of neglect, cruelty and exploitation.
Society has a heavy responsibility to combat violence against children
and to allow them to grow as normal, healthy and happy children.