Islamic Family Life
Marital Affairs
Mutual Rights of Husband and Wife
. . . They ( wives) are your garment and you are
their garment . . . (Qur'an, 2:187)
While the “family” is the foundation of civilization and society, the
relationship of husband and wife and defining their mutual rights and
duties is the foundation of family-life. This is a very difficult
problem; human beings have been trying to unravel this knotty problem
since the beginning of humanity - and the result is a never-ending
conflict of theories and a mass of irreconcilable views and opinions;
and this con-fusing state of affairs seems to worsen day by day. In
various places and at various times, the mutual duties of husband and
wife have been going up and down in cycles like a merry-go-round.
Space does not allow us to give here any detail; but history has clear
evidence to show that whenever the sphere of activities of women was
enlarged the only result was unmitigated disaster and a decayed
society.
Every so-called liberty brought a reaction of horrifying suppression;
and every unchecked excess resulted in suffocating restrictions.
Maintaining a balance between extremes is the law of nature and nature
does not hesitate in severely punishing those who break its laws.
Even now there is a war of ideas, a conflict of ideals, going on in
this subject between East and West - or, more correctly, between Islam
and the non-Islamic world. The real cause of the conflict is that the
anti-Islam forces are either un-willing or unable to decide what are the
“Natural” spheres of activities for man and woman, and what are the aims
and objects of a married life. If these two points are clearly defined,
then there is no danger of anyone going astray.
The Rights of the Husband
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has
given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they
(i.e., men) support them ( women) from their means.
. . (Qur'an, 4:34)
This ayah covers in a nut-shell all the principles of domestic life.
As mentioned earlier woman is, by nature, the weaker sex. As such she
should not be expected to struggle for a livelihood; instead man should
provide for both. If `home' is a kingdom, then husband is the King, and
wife his Prime Minister. This ayah points to these facts. Let us look
minutely at these phrases
` Allah has given the one more than the other.”: This phrase
refers to the natural strength of man in comparison to woman.
Man and Woman: Physical Differences
It has been mentioned earlier that there are certain important
anatomical and physical differences between man and woman, which equip
them for different roles in procreation. To these major differences can
be added other secondary ones involving skeletal and muscular
variations.
Reference to any physiology book will show that the regulation for the
maintenance of these differences is largely a chemical one: the hormones
(the name given to the chemicals which animals and human beings produce
to regulate procreative and other functions) produce physical and
functional differences. It can also be shown scientifically that these
hormones produce distinct emotional effects and they are agents which
cause emotional changes such as those seen in women before and after
child-birth.
It should be mentioned here that it is the hormones which produce the
marked general difference between man and woman, described earlier,
which make the latter more suited to the task of rearing young children,
and the former better able to withstand the rigours of competitive
existence.
Farid Wajdi Afandi quotes an authority to the effect that the
psychology of a woman is nearer to that of a child. A child will start
crying if confronted with an unpleasant situation; and will start
jumping and merry-making when happy. Just the same is the case with
woman who, in comparison to man, is more affected by such feeling.
Allah has made woman more sensitive than man because it is more in
keeping with the role for which she has been created, i.e.,
Motherhood.
Pointing to this fact Kenneth Walker writes in The Physiology of Sex:
[^1]
In order that she may succeed in the world to which she rightly
belongs, woman has been equipped with a greater sensitiveness to
effective stimulus than has a man. She sees life through her feelings,
and emotionally reaches to many a truth to which a man, working
laboriously through the medium of his reason, remains permanently blind.
The fact that in the sphere of intellectual abstraction she is at a
disadvantage is no sign of inferiority, for it is no exaggeration to say
that a man's judgment is as often warped as it is helped by this
intellect.
`A woman judge,' it has been said, `Would always deliver her sentences
in accordance with the dictates of her heart.' But, as Maranon has
asked, `What better method could there be of judging the action of
others than reason tempered with feeling?' It is therefore no
deprecation of a woman to state that she is more sensitive in her
emotions and less ruled by her intellect. We are merely stating a
difference, a difference which equips her for the special part for which
she is cast.
Perhaps because of this difference in perception, and the dominance of
feeling over intellect, the Qur'an treats evidence of two women as equal
to that of one man
. . . And get two witnesses from your own men; and if there are not
two men, then a man and two women such as you choose for witness, so
that if one of them errs the other can remind her . . . (Qur'an,
2:282)
Anyhow, it was because of this natural weakness of the “Fair Sex” that
man has been made responsible to provide for her necessities. Justice
and mercy demand that her back should not be broken by putting a heavy
load upon her.
“Because they (men) support them (woman) from
their means ” makes this point clear.
It is painful to see that the non-Islamic societies have compelled the
weaker sex to carry a double load of responsibilities on her shoulders,
disguising this “tyranny” as “emancipation of women” and “equality of
sexes.”
And what does this “emancipation” mean?
Woman is still required to carry on her natural responsibilities of
child-bearing and child-rearing. Man does not, and by nature cannot,
share with her the burden of pregnancy, nursing and suckling the infant,
looking after the children and all multifarious activities connected
with “motherhood.” Woman has to bear this burden alone. But, in addition
to these full-time life-consuming responsibilities, man now tells her to
help him in the struggle of earning their livelihood!
Thus, the stronger sex has “liberated” the weaker sex to share his burden without himself sharing her burden. Poor woman, she is still overwhelmed by the powerful slogans of “liberation” and “emancipation” without realizing that it is no-thing but a clever device of man to overload her with his own duties. The disaster - social, domestic and economic - wreaked by the entry of woman in earning fields are too numerous to be listed here.
Natural Spheres of Activities of Man and Woman
It is clear that, so far as the safety and development of the human
race is concerned, every human being has two important functions to
perform:
(1) Procreation, i.e., maintaining the population of human beings so that human race is not faced with extinction;
(2) To obtain the necessities of life by participating in the struggle
of economy.
On the other hand, we see that the Creator has divided the humanity
into two distinct groups: Male and Female. And, it is clear that,
physically and biologically man is equipped far better to deal with the
hustle and bustle of the struggle to earn livelihood, while woman is
prevented from it by her many physical differences. On the other hand,
the body of a woman is geared to pro-creation and child-rearing.
it requires no great philosophical mind to realize that the nature has
endowed each group with the ability to efficiently perform only one of
the two functions: the man, by nature, is un-able to bear and rear a
child; likewise, the woman is not meant to bear the back-breaking burden
of earning her livelihood or to plunge into the conflicts of society.
Benefits of Marriage
The above discussion brings us to the benefits of marriage and the
philosophy of the matrimonial bond.
Marriage is one of the fundamental sociological institutions. Mankind,
since its very beginning, has kept to it without any disruption. Even
the so called `uncivilized' tribes and primitive societies treat
marriage as a sacred bond. Such an institution must be based on the
foundation of the nature it-self.
Philosophy of Marriage: Islam has based its matrimonial laws on the
correlation between masculinity and femininity. Obviously this
complementary system in man and woman - and it is the most intricate and
inter-related one, permeating their whole beings - was not created in
vain or without purpose. The male by his nature is attracted to the
female, and vice versa.
And this system has only one goal in sight: Procreation. Islamic
marriage is based on this reality, and all its matrimonial rules revolve
around this axis. On this foundation are based the Islamic laws
concerning chastity and conjugal rights, exclusive attachment of the
wife to her husband and the rules of divorce and `iddah (the
waiting-period after a woman has been widowed or divorced before she can
re-marry), legitimacy and parentage, custody of children and their
upbringing, inheritance and other related matters.
In short, marriage is the only legal and honourable way of satisfying
sexual desire, and the husband and wife by their union ensure the
survival of mankind. Although almost all the burden in this task falls
on the woman, the initial steps can-not be taken without the
participation of the man.
This is the philosophy of marriage. And it also shows the first and
primary benefit of matrimony.
The Holy Prophet said:
Marry and procreate and increase your population . . .
Second Benefit of Marriage: The second benefit is that the husband
and the wife jointly (but with division or responsibilities) perform the
tasks which they are faced with in establishing a family. And each finds
his or her fulfilment in the other. As explained earlier, woman is not
fit to earn livelihood; man is not fit to manage domestic affairs.
Marriage binds them to make up each other's deficiencies, so that the
family may prosper.
The man will spend his energies in earning a livelihood for himself and
his family. The woman will manage the domestic life with that income.
Allah has reminded us of this very point in these words
And marry those among you who are single, and the virtuous ones among
your slaves, male and female: if they be in poverty, Allah will make
them rich by His Grace; for Allah is abundantly-giving, All-knowing.
( Qur'an, 24:32)
It is for this reason that al-Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said: “The
sustenance is with women and dependants.” Domestic science is the
natural preserve of women, and by their efficient management they can
make the money stretch far.
Modern non-Islamic societies have laid the foundation of matrimony on
only this cooperation between husband and wife, while in Islam it is a
secondary, not the primary, benefit. Marriage, according to present day
societies, is a co-operative venture, albeit much narrower in scope than
other such institutions, like a municipality or a club.
It is for this reason that modern laws do not pay any attention to the
rules of chastity etc. This inadequate foundation - cooperation in
life - has given rise to a vast multitude of social problems and has
created chaos in domestic life, because it is not in complete harmony
with realities of creation and nature. Man is a social animal, no doubt.
Everyone cooperates with everyone else, dividing the labour and work
according to one's aptitude. But this factor requires cooperation
between any two persons; it does not specifically call for cooperation
between a man and a woman.
Therefore, it is a weak foundation on which to build the edifice of
matrimony. If marriage were only a co-operative institution, there would
be no need of any special rule for matrimony; the general rules
governing associations and co-operative societies would be enough. It
would negate the virtues of chastity and fidelity, nullify the concept
of legitimacy and affinity, and abrogate the rules of inheritance - as
some “advanced” societies have done. If we accept this ultimate result
of the modern philosophy of marriage, we will have to accept that all
this complicated and inter-related system in the bodies of man and woman
was created without any purpose.
Now to return to our original topic. The basic philosophy and secondary
benefit of marriage have already been described. It was because of those
benefits that the Holy Prophet said: “The worst of your dead is the
unmarried one.”
Now, we may understand the meaning of the ayah:
They (wives) are your garment and you are their
garment.
The garment serves three purposes: it beautifies, it covers the parts
of the body, and it protects from cold and heat. Allah says
O' Children of Adam! We have bestowed upon you garment to cover your
shame, and to be an adornment to you. And the garment of
righteousness, that is the best . . .(Qur'an, 7:26)
Husband and wife, by uniting together, cover the natural shortcomings
of each other, and this union protects them from hardships and
difficulties which one faces by living alone; the sun of happiness and
prosperity shines on the horizon of life; and both, by their joint
efforts, discharge all the duties laid upon them by human nature.
Islamic Boundary Line
Up till now we have been looking at the natural boundary line between
the responsibilities of man and woman. Now, let us see how Islam - the
Natural Religion - has safe-guarded that boundary.
It was mentioned earlier that Islam wants to educate boys in such a way
that they develop into Men of Action; and to educate girls to make them
into the Rulers of the Home.
Nature demands that all individuals should have equal rights. But it
does not mean that every individual should be entrusted with every
responsibility and every duty. A weak person is not expected to perform
the tasks done by a strong one. If we treat both equally, it will be
harmful to both.
What is then the meaning of this equality? It means that everyone
should be given his or her right without let or hindrance, and be put in
his or her rightful place. The words of Allah point to it
. . . and they (women) have rights similar to the
rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a
degree (of advantage) over them; . . . (Qur'an,
2:228)
This verse ordains equality between the rights of both groups at the
same time when it shows the differences between the both.
Men and women equally share the Divine gifts of thinking and will,
which in their turn create free choice. She should, therefore, be free
in her thinking and will, and should have freedom to choose her own
course of action. In other words, she should be free to look after her
life's affairs - personal as well as social - except where there is a
genuine reason to the contrary. Islam gave her this freedom in full
measure. She may act independently in all matters in which a man is free
to act.
She gets her share in inheritance, she is the rightful owner of whatever
she may earn, she may deal with others in all types of dealings, like
trade, partnership and gift, she may acquire knowledge and impart it to
others, she may stake a claim, defend her rights, sue and be sued
without any need of seeking permission of her husband. These few
examples will show how she was given an independent personality,
unfettered in her will or action by men or their guardianship. She thus
got, by the Grace of Allah, what the world had denied her since the
beginning of humanity, and which was unheard of before the advent of
Islam.
But while sharing these basic qualities with men, she differs from them
in other ways. As a result of those differences, her body is
comparatively soft and elegant; and finer sentiments, like love,
tender -heartedness and inclination towards beauty and adornment, are
more pronounced in her than in man. On the other hand, the power of cool
reasoning is more prominent in men than in women. In short, a woman
lives a sentimental life; a man in comparison does not allow sentiments
to cloud his judgment.
It was for this reason that Islam differentiated between the duties and
responsibilities of both groups. The tasks demanding cool reasoning,
like rulership and judgeship have been reserved for men; also the
fighting side of jihad (holy war against the infidels) is man's
preserve, although women may attend the jihad for nursing and treating
the wounded soldiers. The woman has been entrusted with bringing up of
children and looking after the domestic management. Man has been given
responsibility of her maintenance, for which he is compensated by a
double share in inheritance.
Thus, Islam was the first to release woman from her bondage by giving
her freedom of will and action. All the slogans of emancipation of
women, raised in modern times, are but an echo of the clarion call of
Islam. Non-Islamic societies in this matters are just following the lead
given by Islam. But the trouble is that they are not con-tent with
following; they want to improve upon the master-piece of Islam -
forgetting that the principle laid down by Islam is a perfectly circular
ring; nothing can be added to or subtracted from it without disturbing
the whole alignment. Yet, in spite of their keen desire to emancipate
woman, these societies have not succeeded in this endeavour. Woman is
still far behind in all those fields of activities which Islam has
reserved for man. The data show that the fields of rulership, judgeship
and military services (in the meaning of fighting) are still a “man's
world”.
The following hadith (tradition) may give a general outline of the
above-mentioned Islamic principle, al-Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (a.s.)
said:
Verily, Fatimah (a.s.) had taken the responsibility of the domestic
works, like … grinding the flour, baking the bread and sweeping the
house; and `Ali (a.s.) had taken the responsibility of all works
outside the door of the house, like bringing the fire-wood, and
obtaining food stuff, etc.[^2]
According to this hadith the boundary between the responsibility of
man and woman is the wall of the house. Woman is Supreme in whatever
happens within four walls and man is Supreme in all matters outside
those walls.
Islam has liberated the woman from the turmoils and troubles of outside
world; so that she may concentrate on the burdensome duties of domestic
affairs.
Now, we come to the mutual rights and duties of husband and wife.
A Woman's Place is at Home
However, man has been made guardian of woman, because of his strong
physical and intellectual powers and because he is responsible for
maintaining her. It is for this reason that the wife is obliged to obey
her husband.
The Holy Prophet has said:
The most honoured women before Allah are those who are obedient to
their husbands and remain within the boundaries of their homes.
If the women remain within their natural boundary and, by obeying the
husband, fulfill the duties imposed upon them by the Creator, they would
discharge their responsibilities, and surely would deserve to be called,
“The most honoured women.”
I know the exponents of the equality of sexes will oppose this
straight-forward principle. But in the domestic affairs as in all
societies an authoritative leader is a must. No association or
institution can function without a leader; even sports clubs need a
President and a Secretary. Is it not strange that it is only the
domestic institution, the hub of all success and prosperity, which is
considered so unimportant as not to need any authority?
It has been explained above that a man has a natural ability to become
that leader, while a woman requires a man to bring out her natural
abilities. In the words of the poet Iqbal:
The virtue of man shines out without any outside help;
but the virtue of woman is dependent on an `other' (i.e., man) to
bring it out.
Anthropologists tell us that the first stage of womanhood was when the
“family” was not an established institution. Woman, in that period, was
free from all bonds, and was absolutely her own master. But, in that
very stage, she was absolutely without any honour and had no respect.
When the “family” was established, the situation began to change.
Coming within the circle of family the woman lost her freedom and was
obliged to submit to many restrictions. But, at the same moment, she
acquired a high prestige and honour which was undreamt of before.
An interesting question has been asked by an author on this very
subject. He asks that if the advance of civilization and human
perfection only means that woman attains complete freedom and is not
obliged to obey her husband, then, why is it that primitive tribes are
not acknowledged as the guardians of highest civilization in the world,
as males in those tribes are content to sit idle and it is the woman who
is “free” to do all the jobs.
The “emancipation” has compelled many a woman in western countries to
shun marriage. In words of a western social worker, these women abhor
the fundamental factor of the civilization, that is `matrimony '. They
have completely lost the urge and feelings which are naturally found in
the women of their age-group. Now they are neither man nor woman; they
have developed into a neutral “sex”! They are not `man' because they
differ from man anatomically, and they are not “woman” because their
activities and feelings are opposite to that of a woman.
A person cannot embark in two boats at the same time. If a woman is
devoting her time in earning her livelihood, she is depriving her
children of their natural rights of “maternal love and care”.
In 1971, the Sunday News (Dar-es-Salaam) carried an article under the
heading It Is Hard On The Mother. The following paragraphs give a fair
picture of this deep-rooted problem:
“Take the example of a mother working in an office. Her first worry
before she takes up her appointment is about her children.
“She must make sure that she has hired a suitable nursemaid for the
children, which is often a dream because these are becoming unbearably
expensive. But someone warm-hearted and generous, with a lot of love to
give in mothering the children in her absence: that is the kind of maid
servant she wants.
“A mother observes that parental love for a child is actually
irreplaceable and is vital to its development. A child has to grow with
it.
“But, as we have seen, who will pay for the nursemaid or the
baby-sitter? The question is difficult enough for a working married
mother.”
Again he writes:
“But their main concern is their children. As they have to give time to
their job, they have to do the same to their children.
“For example, a woman teacher is a mother of two children. Teaching
needs many hours of devotion and some extra hours of preparation at
home.
“A woman teacher who is also a mother has to be very careful in
planning her time. Home preparation interferes with the time allocated
to chatting and playing with her children, since she has been away for
the whole day.
“Some children are naughty. They have to be taken care of with tender
toughness. And yet there are teaching lessons to be prepared. She
literally has to divide herself into two persons!
“The majority of mothers enjoy cooking, so they prefer doing it for
themselves even if they have cooks. After office hours, therefore, they
pass by the market to do proper grocery, and so to make a meal of their
choice - to please sweet teeth of their husbands.
“But the reality of their office or factory jobs means that they are
doubling, not to mention that some women do not necessarily love
cooking.”
Above the article, the following words were printed in bold letters:
“Children are becoming a problem for the modern working mother in
Africa.”
In the end the writer dutifully suggested this interesting cure:
“The question we pose here is: Does a Tanzania husband help in the
cooking or any other household chore which in the old days was meant for
women?
“If a man and his wife are both career people, the dictates of
socialism demand that both of them must work equally in the household.
Since this is not the case, what it means is that socialism has not
reached home … where it should have begun in the first place.”
But the question is this: If the parental love is irreplaceable then
how can a nursemaid provide that love and care?
If the emancipation of women and “social-ism” mean that the woman has
to do double duty (motherhood and wage-earning) and also the husband has
to do double duty (wage-earning and cooking), then is it not far better
and less back-breaking to let both of them do their own natural single
duty without interfering with the other's responsibilities? This will
have the added benefit of reducing the number of juvenile delinquents .
. . because children will grow up under kind and understanding mother's
love.
We may sum it up with the following words of Kenneth Walker:
“Not only in her physical but also in her psychological make up
everything in a woman is sacrificed to the function of motherhood. In
the same way a man is psychologically, as well as physically, specially
equipped for the task of seeking out the woman and protecting her and
his family.
“(A woman's) aptitude for physical and intellectual exertion in the
primitive struggle for existence is less than that of man. Occasionally
she may possess these more masculine faculties, and by her own exertions
succeed in establishing for herself a place in the world, but this is
not her natural role. Biologically speaking, the woman who tights her
own battles has moved out of the sphere for which nature has equipped
her and trespassed into another that does not by right belong to her.
The fact that she often succeeds in making good in the new sphere into
which she has wandered does not affect this principle. Emotionally and
physically she is dedicated to the career of maternity, and it is on the
man she was meant to rely not only for her own support, but also for
that of her children.”
The Urdu poet, Iqbal, has pointed to this fact in these words
If western education means the death of `motherhood' then such an
education,
in the eyes of thinkers, is death.
This subject has been dealt with at some length in order that readers
may fully understand the wisdom and virtue of the restrictions put up on
women of Islam. Thanks to these regulations, Muslim women have been
enjoying their lives quite peacefully and naturally for the last
fourteen centuries. They have remained safe and immune from the
degradations to which other women were subjected up to the end of the
last century. We are sure that by following the rules of Islam they will
remain safe from present day excesses as they saved themselves from the
shortcomings of the past.
Husband: Metaphorical Lord
It was mentioned in Part Two that the parents are the metaphorical
Lords of the children. There is no exception to this rule, so far as
boys are concerned. But as for girls, after marriage the parents'
Lordship comes to an end and they come under the domain of the husbands.
A woman once asked the Holy Prophet: “O' Messenger of Allah, whose right
is the greatest on man?” The Holy Prophet said: “His parents.” Then she
asked: “And whose right is the greatest on woman?” He said: “Her
husband.”
Once some people told the Holy Prophet “We saw some people bow down
before some of their people.” The Holy Prophet said: “If I were to allow
any person to bow down before anyone I would have ordered the woman to
bow down before her husband.”
Al-Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said:
Allah sent a message to the Holy Prophet, “Tell Fatimah (a.s.) not to
disobey `Ali (a.s.) because if he was ever displeased (with her) I
would be displeased because of his displeasure.”
It was because of this that the Holy Prophet said to Fatimah (a.s.):
O' Fatimah, if a woman worshipped Allah seventy thousand years, but
died disobeying her husband (and the husband was not pleased with her),
she would be amongst the people of Hell.
Obedience Based on Love
We must remember that a rule, based on tyranny or injustice, can never
be stable. Therefore, the foundation of the husband's authority has been
laid not on fear or awe, but on love. Allah says:
And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among
yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put
love and mercy between you. Verily, in that are signs for those who
reflect. (Qur'an, 30:21)
In this ayah, two words, `love' and `mercy', have been used for the
matrimonial love. It points to the subtle difference between the love of
woman and man. Woman, generally speaking, loves her husband more
intensely. She gives her soul and body to the husband. The word, “love”
describes this aspect.
On the other hand, husband's love to his wife is tinted with the
natural superiority - there is no “giving up his self” to the wife.
Hence the word “mercy”.
Anyhow, this love and obedience are the prelude to fulfil the two
important duties mentioned earlier: Management of domestic affairs, and
procreation.
Domestic Management
First of all, it is essential that the wife should consider the
earnings of her husband (however little or great that may be) better
than the whole world.
Then she should try to keep the expenses of the household within that
limit. The Holy Prophet said:
There is no woman who is happy with the sustenance which Allah has
given to her husband and does not demand from him more than his
strength, but that Allah will give her seventy thousand clothes in
Paradise.
For those who contravene this ethic, the Holy Prophet said:
There is no woman who demands from her husband beyond his strength, and
is not con-tent with his livelihood - be it little or great - and is not
satisfied with the sustenance given her by Allah, and who will be among
those whose good deeds are not accepted, but her sins not pardoned, and
with whom Allah will remain displeased except that she repents.
It is a fact that many domestic chores very much try the patience. It
is for this reason that the Law-giver of Islam has promised eternal
blessings in reward of such drudgery. The Holy Prophet said:
If, while cooking her food, tears come out from the eyes of the woman
because of smoke, Allah will write for her the reward of those warriors
(in the way of Allah) whose eyes shed tears from the fear of Allah.
If she has got someone to help her in domestic duties, and, thus, gets
some free time, she should not waste that time; instead, that precious
time should be spent in useful activities within the boundary of her
home. “The best activity of women is spinning; because for every thread
she is forgiven one sin and awarded one good deed.”
Her attention has been drawn towards good house-keeping in the
following words: “Whosoever woman, in the house of her husband,
transfers a thing from one place to another, for a good purpose, Allah
looks at her (with mercy), and whosoever Allah looks at with mercy,
would never be punished.”Her attention has been drawn towards good
house-keeping in the following words: “Whosoever woman, in the house of
her husband, transfers a thing from one place to another, for a good
purpose, Allah looks at her (with mercy), and whosoever Allah looks at
with mercy, would never be punished.”
Procreation
The progress of mankind, nay, its very existence depends upon this
important function; and almost all of its responsibilities are with the
woman.
When a woman is blessed with it, she is in fact discharging her duties
towards humanity.
Islam has not overlooked the ever-present travail and pain incurred in
this important function. It has promised her great reward and unlimited
blessings in recompense for this difficult task. The woman has to pass
through four stages in this connection:
(1) Conception;
(2) Delivery;
(3) Suckling;
(4) Good rearing of the children.
According to the Holy Prophet, she gets eternal rewards in all these
stages:-
• First stage: When a woman conceives, she (during her pregnancy)
is likened to one who is (continuously) fasting, praying, and doing
jihad by one's soul and wealth in the way of Allah.
• Second stage: When she delivers, she gets so much reward that it cannot even be imagined because of its greatness!
• Third stage: When she feeds her infant, she gets the reward of emancipating a slave (from the children of Prophet Isma'il, a.s.) at every suckling.
• Fourth stage: Rearing the children - It has already been described in the rights of children.
The following extracts from a hadith must be read carefully: The Holy
Prophet said to her daughter Sayyidah Fatimah (a.s.):
O' Fatimah, it is incumbent upon woman that she should not bring before
her husband, what he does not like; should guard herself as his trust;
should be sincere to him in his presence as well as in absence; should
cut (the injury of) her tongue (from him) ; should look after him when
he needs looking after; should fulfil his requirements and should look
after his condition; because her looking towards her husband is an act
of worship; and she should not invite anyone to his food except with his
permission; and she should remain content with the sustenance given her
by Allah; and she should not leave her husband, and if she left him,
then neither her prayer, fast nor alms will be accepted (by Allah) until
her husband forgives her.
. . . and they (women) have rights similar to the
rights against them, according to what is equitable, but men have a
degree *** (of advantage*****)** over them, and Allah is
Exalted in Power, Wise**.** (Qur'an, 2:228)
** **
This ayah explodes the myth of so-called “slavery of
Muslim woman” which is the target of the attacks of many an ignorant
western orientalists. It was essential, for the purpose of domestic
well-being, to install the man with effective authority over women.
“Men have a degree (of advantage) over them” points to this fact.
Apart from this, both sides have been accorded well-balanced rights.
Each “half” has been given all the necessary rights without any
reservation.
As mentioned earlier, according to reason and according to the Islamic
shari`ah, the husband is solely responsible for the livelihood of the
wife, and in view of this responsibility he has been given an authority
which in its turn is based upon love.
It appears from above that all that a woman needs for her peace of
mind, spiritual well-being, and material comfort, can be classified
under two headings: (1) Sincere love; and (2) Fair maintenance.
If one looks at the long list of the demands of advocates of Liberation
of Women, one will find that all those rights which are in conformity
with reason are within the circle of these two rights.
Islam has emphatically ordered husbands to let their wives enjoy their
rights without any hindrance. The Holy Prophet said:
Any woman who makes her husband suffer with her tongue … will be the
first to enter Hell; and, likewise, the man if he treats her unjustly.
Love and Good Grace
al-Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said:
I am sure the more a man becomes good in this thing (i.e., Faith and
Islam), the more his love to (his) women increases.
The ayah: “And He has put Love and Mercy between you”
shows that matrimonial love is the Grace of Allah; and the stronger the
faith in Allah, the greater this grace of Allah upon the couple.
It is for this reason, that al-Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq said:
In the character of the prophets is the love of women.
The Holy Prophet accordingly, said:
Let it be known that the best of you is the one who is best for his
women. And I am the best for my women.
Likewise, he said:
Allah may have mercy on His servant who does good between himself and
his wife; because, verily, Allah has given him authority upon her and
has made him her protector.
According to the Islamic shari `ah, it is highly emphasized that a
man should enter his home with smiling face. The home may become
paradise if this rule is followed consciously,
In the section 25 it was mentioned that the “most honoured woman” is
the one who is obedient to her husband. The above-mentioned ahadith
show that the “best man” is the one who treats his wife gently and with
good grace. In other words, these ahadith fully explain the ayah.
And women have rights similar to the rights upon them. (Qur'an,
2:228)
Right of Maintenance
In many ayat in the Qur'an, Allah has exhorted man to treat his wife
gently. Apart from the above-mentioned ayat , another ayah says:
. . . And live with them (women) with kindness and
equity . . . (Qur'an, 4:19)
“Good treatment” according to the ahadith means that the wife should
be provided, as far as possible, the same standard of living which she
had in the house of her parents; so that she does not face material
discomfort and mental depression.
But if the husband, because of his limited resources, is unable to
provide that standard, he is not to be blamed.
** **
. . . On the wealthy according to his means; and on the poor
according to his means . . . (Qur'an, 2:236)
Al-Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said:
The dependants of a man are his prisoners. And the most beloved servant
in presence of Allah is the one who is the best in treating his
prisoners.
Likewise, al-Imam Musa al-Kazim (a. s.) said:
The dependants of a man are his prisoners. So, if Allah bestows someone
with His blessings, he should increase the expenses on his prisoners;
and if he did not do so, then that blessing is likely to perish.
According to the shari `ah, maintenance of the wife is in exchange
for her obedience. If she does not deny the husband his conjugal rights,
she is entitled to her maintenance. If the husband, because of his
financial difficulties, defaults in its provision, he remains indebted
to that amount; and must repay soon after getting money etc. In short,
the maintenance of - the wife is based on a “give and take” basis, and
man has to pay it any-how. al-Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said: “Cursed
is the man who neglects his dependants.”
Forbearance
As was mentioned earlier, women's feelings dominate their intellect. If
a girl is not brought up properly according to Islamic ethics, she is
apt to become hot-tempered and sharp-tongued.
On the other hand, a man is not so dominated by emotions. Therefore,
Islam has enjoined man to have patience and forbearance in the face of
woman's temper. A man must be tolerant to his wife, keeping in view her
natural weakness and remembering that she by nature is governed by
emotions.
Allah says:
** **
. . . And live with them (women) on a footing of
kindness and equity; and even if ye take a dislike to them it may be
that ye dislike a thing and Allah created in it a great deal of good.
(Qur'an, 4:19)
There is no denying that it is a very tough assignment and sometimes
needs a lot of patience. Allah says in the Qur'an:
And there are men who say: “Our Lord! give us good in this world and
good in the Hereafter, and protect us from the torment of the Fire.”
(Qur'an, 2: 201)
** **
Among several explanations of this ayah, Amir al-mu'minin, `Ali (a.
s.) said:
Good in this world means a good-natured wife, good in the Hereafter
means `huru'l-'in', `torment of the Fire' means a `bad wife.'[^3]
To say that a bad-natured, hot-tempered wife is the torment of the
Fire presents the reality in the best possible way. But we should always
keep these ahadith (traditions) in view:
Verily, Ibrahim (a.s.) complained to Allah against the temper of (his
wife) Sarah. Then, Allah sent a message to him telling him that “Verily,
the likeness of woman is likeness of a rib; if you straightened it, it
would break; and if you left it as it is you will benefit from it.”
In short, many ayat of the Qur'an and many ahadith exhort the
married couple to strengthen the bond of mutual love and affection as
long as they are linked together in matrimonial bond, even if it means
self-denial and extraordinary patience. And it is by following this
principle that human beings may enjoy the peace in this world and
happiness in the life hereafter.
Misunderstandings and Conflicts
Islam is aware that philosophical theories alone do not pave the road to
a better life. It is the practical laws and codes which bring the peace
in a household. Ethical sermons can be of no benefit to common man if
they are not firmly based on common-sense and are not within his easy
grasp.
The ideal of Islamic marriage is one in which both parties have mutual
love and respect and each consciously honours the rights of the other.
But this world is not made of only pious and understanding people.
There are many hard-hearted men and women in this world; they do not
care for the damage done to Islamic society by their misbehaviour and
their flaunting the ideals of the Islamic shari `ah. Therefore, it
was necessary to frame some rules to correct their behaviour.
Why Conflicts?
The main cause of the conflict is the negligence of one's duties
towards the other.
This negligence can be either from the husband's side, or from the
wife's side, or from both sides.
Islam has laid down clear rules for each of these situations.
When the Wife is at fault
If the wife neglects her duties and gives trouble to the husband, then,
three cures have been prescribed step by step. Allah says in the
Qur'an
. . . And as to those women on whose part ye fear
disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them, and (then) refuse
to share their beds, and (lastly) beat them. Then, if they
return to obedience seek not against them means (of annoyance);
for Allah is Most High Great**.** (Qur'an, 4:34)
First Step: First the husband should admonish the wife and advise
her to change her behaviour. In the beginning, advice and mutual
discussion may bear good fruits, while tough measure may create an
undesirable reaction.
Second Step: If this fails, then it means that the malady has taken
a deeper root. Therefore, the husband should leave her in her bed. This
silent protest may bring the wife to her senses; and the cause of
conflict may be removed.
Third Step: But, if her arrogance has reached the furthest limit,
and she is oblivious of admonition and that subtle protest, then the
`soft' treatment will not be of any use. In this extremity, the husband
is allowed to beat her. If good-manners fail to awake her gentle
feelings, the alternative is `tough' dealing.
But that `tough' dealing also must be tempered with tenderness.
al-Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (a.s.) said: “Verily, it is a stroke with a
tooth stick.” The shar`ah says that the blow should not be such as to
break a bone or to leave red marks or bruises, nor is he allowed to hit
her on her face, nor in another place several times.
If these cures remove the cause of complaint, the husband should at
once start gentle and fair dealing with her. The last sentence of the
above mentioned ayah points to this aspect: “Then, if they return
to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance).”
When the Husband is at fault
If, on the other hand, the husband is at fault and neglects his duties
towards his wife, then she, at first, should try to bring a
reconcilement with him.
And if a wife fears cruelty or negligence on her husband's part,
there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable reconcilement
between themselves; and the reconcilement is best . . .
(Qur'an, 4:128)
If this method fails, then she has a right to put the matter before
Hakim ash-Shar`i (the Qadi or mujtahid) who has every authority to
settle the dispute according to his discretion.
When both are at fault
If both neglect their duties towards each other, then there is a need
of some helping hands to end the conflict. Therefore, Allah has
ordained:
And if ye fear a breach between the two, then appoint two arbiters,
one from his family and the other from hers; if they wish for
reconcilement and peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation , for
Allah is Omniscient All-knowing. (Qur'an, 4:35)
This arbitration may be resorted to even in the first two situations
when only one party is at fault.
Separation
Some discords become very complicated and defy all solutions, and
family-life becomes extremely intolerable. In such cases, only two
alternatives remain:
- to leave the couple in the same condition, which in the words of the
Qur'an is: “The torment of the Fire;”
- to release them from the bond of marriage, so that each can find
another suitable life-partner.
Common sense prefers the second alternative; and Islam has adopted the same.
Christianity prefers the first alternative, i. e., to compel the couple to remain as man and wife even if they intensely hate each other. It is based upon the following alleged words of Christ:
It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement. But I say unto you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery: (Mathew, 5:31 -32).
Let human nature decide whether it is only the fornication which pollutes the matrimonial atmosphere ? Does not hot temper or flaunting each other's rights create equally intense discord? Is not negligence in maintenance, disloyalty, desertion, or disobedience enough to turn the home into a Hell?
It is necessary here to emphasize in so many words the wisdom of divorce
in many cases, as allowed by Islam. Suffice it to say that now even the
followers of those religions which do not allow divorce are resorting to
parliaments to establish “divorce” in their countries' legal systems,
some-times in face of fierce opposition from their churches and
religions.
The Hindu religion does not recognize divorce; Hindus a few years ago
made divorce a part of their legal system through the “Hindu Code
Bill”.
The Anglican church is opposed to divorce; Anglicans through an Act of
Parliament (of which all the Bishops are members) have allowed them
selves to be divorced by the courts. And here is an interesting
side-light. The sovereign is the Head of the Anglican church; and as
such is supposed to uphold the theory of illegality of divorce.
And the same sovereign, in his/her capacity of Head of State, signs the
Acts of Parliament legalizing divorce.
Why could not King Edward VIII marry a divorcee, while at the same time
hundreds of thousands of his subjects were getting divorce under his own
authority? Does it mean that Christians have two sets of rules: one for
great people, another for the common folk?
The Roman Catholic church also is fanatically opposed to divorce. But
compelled by the hard facts of life they have found a method to dissolve
the marriage, without calling it “divorce”. If some-one has the patience
of `Job' (Ayyub) and the money of Qarun, he can obtain, after several
years' pleading, a decree from the Vatican, declaring that the marriage
was null and void from the very beginning.
Ingenious, is not it? The only difficulty is that it can be obtained by
wealthy tycoons only. “In recent years, Pope Paul VI has streamlined the
cumbersome process . . . that could drag a case out for as long as
twenty years. But despite the Vatican's attempts to limit legal fees,
costs at the Rota remained high, sometimes running into thousand of
dollars and making annulments available mainly to the prosperous.”[^4]
And if the marriage was not a marriage from the beginning, what is the
status of the children of that marriage? Are they also illegitimate?
Italy, under pressure from the Vatican, had resisted the popular demand
of legalizing the divorce. Now, there also, an Act has been passed and
has become Law.
As soon as the act became law thousands of people applied for divorce,
most of whom had been separated from their spouses for twenty or even
thirty years.
So much suffering can be caused to humanity by such doctrines. And not
only suffering but also encouragement for frustrated people to indulge
in sins. Can a couple, separated for twenty or thirty years, remain
chaste? Surely, they will find partners to satisfy their natural urges -
unlawfully, of course.
Talaq, Khul`, Mubarat
As separation is the result of irreconcilable discord, it may be of the
same three types which were mentioned in section 34.
- Talaq: This is usually translated as 'divorce'. When the husband
is fed up with the misbehaviour of the wife and wants to dissolve the
marriage, it is called “talaq ” in Islamic terminology.
O' Prophet, when ye do divorce women, divorce them at their prescribed periods and count (accurately). . . (Qur'an, 65:1)
- Khul`: If the wife is suffering from the ill-treatment of the
husband and wants to get free from him by offering some indemnity, it is
called “khul”';
. . . If ye do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah, then there is no blame on either of them if she gives something for her freedom . . . (Qur'an, 2;229)
3. Mubarat : If both are tired of each other, and want to dissolve the marriage, it is called “Mubarat”:
And if they disagree (and must part) Allah will provide abundance for all from His All-reaching bounty . . . (Qur'an, 4:130)
Thus all three ways of dissolving the marriage are allowed in Islam.
But in all these cases, marriage can be dissolved by the husband's consent only. He has the authority to perform talaq, khul` or mubarat.
Again, advocates of the “equality of sexes” will frown on this provision. Therefore, it is better to mention that in Western countries where the woman has been given the right to divorce her husband, 80% of the applications of divorce are lodged by wives. And, many is the husband who only comes to know that his wife had divorced him when she is already married to another man.
As has been mentioned earlier, the outlook of woman is dominated by emotion; and if they are given the right to dissolve the marriage, they are more likely to think of divorce on the slightest of pretexts.
The Qur'an reproves the `People of Book' that they believe in certain parts of the Book and reject other parts. It is their tendency from the very beginning. Faced with the difficulties created by Christian doctrine, they turned towards Islam to borrow a leaf from its shari `ah, and adopted the principle of divorce. But the deep-rooted prejudice against Islam prevented them from adopting it with all its necessary details. Divorce was adopted, but details were ignored.
Result?
In California, 2,000 marriages were performed in one year; and within same period 641 divorces were granted. In other words there was one divorce against every three marriages.
This abundance of divorce in Christian societies may also be a reaction to the unreasonable restraint of Christian churches.
Conditions of Divorce
Islam allowed in principle dissolution of marriage in all three
situations of discord; and thus satisfied human nature. But, at the same
time, it has imposed so many conditions that divorce be-comes hard to
perform. For example, the husband must be adult and sane, should give
divorce by his own free will and intention; it must be done in approved
formula, before two men of approved probity; the wife must be free from
menses etc., and the couple should not have cohabited after her last
menses.
After divorce, a period of three months ” `iddah ” was prescribed;
may be the parties feel remorse on separation and are ready to restore
the marriage ties again. If so, then the divorce may be revoked and the
marriage continues.
Another benefit of this rule is to make sure that the woman is not
pregnant from her previous husband.
Divorce: The most disliked permission
Together with these conditions, it has been emphasized that the divorce
is very much disliked by Allah and His Prophet.
The Holy Prophet said:
The worst of all permitted things is divorce.
The Holy Prophet also said:
Gabriel advised me about (gentle dealings with) the women, so much so
that I thought that she should not be divorced except be-cause of open
unchastity.
Here the Holy Prophet is saying the same thing which is attributed to
Christ in Mathew. But see the difference in language and then compare
the results of these two sayings. Injil put un-necessary burden on
human nature, and as a result, its followers flouted its ruling and
indulged in unbridled lawlessness. Islam allowed divorce, but showed its
displeasure with it, relying on human feelings to keep its use to the
minimum. The result is that in Islamic society divorce is a rare thing;
and a Muslim's domestic life is so secured that non-Muslims cannot
imagine it.
[^1]: published by Penguin Books.
[^2]: Bihar al-anwar, Vol.10.
[^3]: Tafsir Safi.
[^4]: Time, November 13, 1972.