The Art of Social Relations

1- the Manners of Greeting

A- Among the etiquette of greetings is that a rider should greet the one who is on foot, a passer-by should greet the one who is standing, a small group should greet a larger one, little ones should greet the elders, a man should greet a woman, a child should greet his parent, and the one who enters a place should greet those whom he meets inside.

The art of social relations we have learned from the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.), and his teachings require us to be the first to say the Islamic greeting, that is, "Assalamu Alaikum", because he used to be the first to say the greeting.

B- We should use the Islamic greeting "Assalamu Alaikum", so as to show our identity. It is not right for us, as Muslims, to use other people's greetings while we have our own, which is beautiful and perfect.

C- To welcome your friend and visitor with all of your existence, so that he will feel your concern for him. It is not good to shake ones hand while your other hand is in your pocket, or you are resting on your car, a wall or tree. This will reduce your value in the sight of your friend.

D- To reply to the greetings with the best of it, these are the Islamic morals that do not repay good with good only, rather it repays it with what is better than it, "When you are greeted with a greeting, then greet you with a better (than it), or return it." (Holy Qur'an (4: 86) The best reply for "Assalamu Alaikum" "Peace be upon you" is "Wa alaikum al-Salam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu" (And peace be with you and the mercy and blessings of Allah be with you."

E- It is obligatory for Muslims to greet women with Islamic greetings and show for them our concern, but it is not permissible to shake their hands; because Islam considers such action as part of an Islamic chastity and security.

2- The Manners of Phoning:

It is true that you can not see your friend while phoning him, nor he sees you, but this doesn't mean that you should indulge with manners of phoning. Among them are:

A- First, you should greet your friend and show him your concern and love as if you are talking to him face to face.

B- You should introduce yourself when you phone your friend, because some voices may be similar and in order not to put your friend in a dilemma, you should introduce yourself, first, by telling him your name directly after greeting.

C- You should be sure that the number you are dialing is correct and that the time you are phoning is the right time. You should hastily redial the number of your friend if it cuts off while you are talking, to avoid any misunderstandings.

D- Try to summarize your talking to the required standard. And if you recorded a message on your telephone telling your friend that you will call him back, while you are away, you must call, because it is the habit of a believer that he fulfills his promise.

E- You should, at least, telephone at the time of ceremonies and occasions, to say your greetings and good lucks to your friends and relatives; as many as you can, even though to visit them in person is better, but telephoning them, as correspondence, is half of direct meeting.

F- If your friend or neighbor wants to use your telephone, leave the place for him until he finishes, because he might have some secrets he does not want others to be acquainted with them.

G- Do not reply to those that disturb you with harsh words. Use mild words that will make them feel shy and have a guilty conscience. This way will keep them away from doing it again.

3- The Manners of Thanks Giving:

We have mentioned before that the reward of good is good and that the repaying of beauty is beauty or what is better than that, therefore, it is not good for me to repay good with showing no concern or even evil. Thus, thanksgiving has its own manners, among them are:

A- Do not be slow in thanking those who did good to you.

B- While thanking the one who did good to you, you should hope to repay the service(s) rendered to you in the future. This is a practical thanks giving which deepens friendly relations and encourages towards doing more good.

C- Thanks giving is not only meant for a particular group of people, rather it is meant for every doer of good, no matter what the rate of good he did. As it is meant for father, mother, brother, sister, friend, teacher and director, it is also meant for postmaster, metropolitan worker, waiter, door keeper, shoe shiner and others.

4- The Manners of Friendship and Companion-ship:

A prophetic hadith calls us to live with our friends and relatives with goodness and to prefer them on our own selves; we should not let them see any corruption or cheating on our part. We should be kind with them or we should not show them any sign of stinginess. We should keep their secrets in their presence and absence; we should not allow anybody to cheat them. We should give them advice and encourage them to obey to Allah; and we should help them in overcoming their wrongdoing and sins.

All these are summarized in the saying: "Be a source of mercy to them, not a source of punishment." However, companionship has some manners that must be respected, among them are:

A- We must not deceive our friends in any affairs; rather we should be frank with them in any matter. We should not cheat them; rather we should be sincere with them.

B- We must not lie to them; rather we should be truthful and sincere. There is nothing better than finding a friend who is truthful and sincere in all fields of our companionship.

C- We should not do anything to degrade them whatever the case may be; degrading a brother or a friend is degrading ones self, because the position of a friend or a brother is our own position. Instead of degrading them you should work for the purpose of completing their personality, this is the best for friendship and the most loveable in the sight of Allah and His Messenger (s.a.w.).

D- If you stay with your friend, be soft to him in choosing appropriate words and feelings that show love and affection. It is said, "Softness reduces loneliness." How beautifully the Holy Qur'an explains this: "and lower your wing (be gentle) unto the believers." Holy Qur'an (15:88) You should make yourself inferior in your relation with your brother, but it must be inferiority of love, not disgrace.

Among the desirable things are: Coping with things that are not prohibited; and you should not force your opinion on your friend that has different opinion as yourself. You should not stand up from where you are sitting unless with his permission; and you should not let him hear anything except good, because "there is evil in bad words and good is a suppression of evil"; and you should thank him for his good.

E- The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said: "Companionship must be with faithfulness," i.e., we should not disclose the secrets of our friends unless with his permission.

F- If any friendly meeting contains more than two and are sitting in one place, it is not suitable for me to whisper to one of them something that I don't want others to hear, because such action will surely make him (them) unhappy, even whisper doesn't concern him. But, if I do so, he will surely feel that I did not regard him sincerely and honestly.

5- The Manners of Giving a Gift:

A gift has a great effect on the heart of he whom the gift is given to, because when you give me a gift - with its real meaning not its material value- you are sending me a message of your love and affection. Thus, it is upon me to be happy and put it in mind that it is also your right upon me to repay that gift (not necessarily with a material gift but with thanks and, etc).

However, being the fact that a gift is an expression of a feeling that can never be expressed in words, therefore, it has its own manners:

A- We must be careful in choosing it, because the choice of a man - as it is said- is part of his intellect. The gift might be small in its quantity but great in its value. The books liked by your friend might be the best gift to him than anything else.

B- As some are saying that a gift must be presented on a certain occasion, but there is a possibility that a gift should be given without any occasion, because your zeal for the growth of your friendship with your friend, itself, is an occasion. Nevertheless, choosing a particular occasion for presenting a gift, like the success on anything, marriage, buying a house or returning from a journey, has a great effect on people's relationships. It was reported in a hadith to: "Present gifts, you will be loved."

C- Covering a gift with a nice and attractive cover is an expression of felicity and good wishes that will make the gift talk more than the tongue.

D- He who presents the gift must look into the practical effects of the gift before giving it. This is because some gifts have a small life span, while others have a long life span, or some have a limited effect, while others have unlimited effects.

E- It is not good to refuse a gift or to degrade it. Even if it is of little value, we must thank those who present them to us and accept them with respect. It is narrated that one day a student presented cucumbers as a gift to his teacher. The teacher ate one and found it bitter.

He took the second one and found it the same, nevertheless he ate it all without inviting the other students to join him in eating. The students were surprised with their teacher's deed. The student who presented the gift went out happy because of the gift he presented to his teacher. After he went out, the teacher turned to the rest of the students and said:

"Maybe you were surprised at what I did, but the cucumbers were bitter. If I presented them to you, you would not eat them and the presenter of the gift would not be happy. That is why I kept quiet without inviting you."

F- It is not good to give someone a gift given to you as a gift by someone else, because it is said that a gift cannot be given twice. The presenter of the gift wanted it to be your personal belonging. What can you tell him when he see it (the same gift) in the hand of another fellow? It might hurt him.

6- The Manners of Visiting:

One thing that has a great effect on strengthening social relationships is the exchange of visits, which is encouraged in many narrations to the extent that it is stated that whoever visits his brother, it is as if he visited Allah and His Messenger. Among the manners of visits are the following:

A- Making arrangements and stating a particular time before a visit. It is not good to break the arrangement made or to arrive late, except if something that is above someone's control happens. In such a case, you must extend your apology to whom you want to visit, so that he may not be waiting for you.

B- If you visit a friend or a brother in religion without prior arrangement and he apologizes for not been able to attend to you due to some problems best known to him, as "The owner of the house knows better what is going on in it", do not become angry and do not feel offended, rather, it is his right that must be respected.

C- It is good to arrange for the time the visit will take, because it might be that your host may have another arrangement with someone or something else to do. Thus, if you leave the end of the visit without any limit, it might be a burden or can hurt your host.

D- If you enter the house of your friend, do not be curious and inquisitive in the affairs of the house or the family or anything that doesn't concern you. It might be that your host doesn't want you to know everything that's going on in his house. This means that you should also protect your eyes and tongue.

E- It is good to underline the aim of the visit and discuss it immediately when you arrive. Do not make your visit a chance of too much talking and spending unnecessary time.

Nevertheless, being the fact that there are different kinds of visits, therefore, each and every one of them has their own manners and morals. In addition to the visit of friends, there is also the visiting of the sick, or of a neighbor. Below is the manner of each and every one of these: