The Art of Social Relations

Other Manners

The list of social manners, which comprises the 'Art of Social Relations' is a long list we cannot bring up here, but we will make mention some of its components:

A- When you borrow a book, do not write anything in it; protect it against loss or damage; return it to its owner with respect and thanks; if anything bad happens to it, pay for it.

B- Try to abide by the laws and guidance fixed inside motorcars, rooms, centers, libraries and market and business centers. C- Ask permission before using anything that does not belong to you.

D- Do not delay in replying to letters sent to you, because letters are like greetings. They need a reply, even if you only tell your friend that you have received his letter.

E- Avoid smoking in an indoor place, because hurting others is not good; most especially that inhaling the smoke of a cigarette harms more than the smoker himself - a confirmed medically proven fact.

F- It is good to apologize quickly after committing a mistake, no matter how small it is like coming late for an appointment by giving reasonable excuses for it.

G- Admonition is the soap of the hearts. Admonish your brother, but not about everything. Imam Ali al-Hadi (a.s.) wrote a letter to some of his followers saying: "Admonish so-and-so, tell him if Allah means good for someone He admonished him first." Isn't admonition better than backbiting a thousand times?

Thirdly: What are the Factors that Destroy Relations?

No doubt the art of social relations requires the understanding of two things together: knowing the factors that strengthen the relationship and knowing the factors that destroy and harm it. This is because knowing the second will help us avoid those things that spoil social relations as it will help us also correct the displeasure of others who don't pay attention to good morals, so as to refrain from anything harmful. In short, each and every one of us will become a mirror for his fellow friend; they are seeing our positive and negative side and we are, also, seeing their positive and negative side.

For the purpose of seeing the real picture, we will present a number of repulsing behavior with the hope that we may preserve our selves against them.

1- The Holy Qur'an makes mention of these in many places and in many terms:

A- Mockery: Is ridiculing others thinking that we are better than they, forgetting that it is possible that they are above us in many things. And there is the possibility that the man we are ridiculing doesn't have a hand in his condition; it is just a divine examination like being a cripple, semi-blind, deaf and dumb. The Almighty Allah says: "Let not a people laugh at (another) people (to scorn) who happily may be better than they nor let women laugh at other women who happily may be better than these." Holy Qur'an (49: 11)

B- Defamation: This is degrading someone with disorder, it is among the most active repellants. It is to see any disability in your brother and hurt him with it or ridicule him in front of others, which may hurt his feelings, where as, Islam calls toward covering others disability. The Almighty Allah says: "and find not fault with each other." Holy Qur'an (49: 11)

C- Giving Offensive Names: Is calling our brothers with names that hurt their feelings. Calling them with such names, means degrading their personality, whereas, Islam enjoins us to call our brothers with the most loveable names. The Almighty Allah says: "nor call one another by nick names." Holy Qur'an (49: 11)

D- Suspicion: Is defining any movement of your brother with bad and suspicious definitions, which is the opposite of what prophetic narrations enjoin us to do. Do not look at the action of others but with good. The Almighty Allah says: "O you who believe! Avoid such suspicion, for verily suspicions (in) some (cases) is a sin." Holy Qur'an (49: 12) The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) also says: "I warned you against suspicion, because suspicion is the most untruthful narration."

E- Spying: As distrust directs you to suspicion, which is an internal action, likewise, it directs you to a physical action which is spying and looking for mistakes. Thus, spying is following the secret of a fellow believer. The Almighty Allah says: "And spy not." Holy Qur'an (49:12)

F- Backbiting: Is talking behind your brother's back in order to discredit him or disagree his personality. If he is what you are saying it is backbiting, and if he isn't, it is fabrication. Backbiting is the act of a coward who cannot face people openly.

It is broader than the act of those who want to find others' disabilities, which is a source of degrading the personality of a believer. The Almighty Allah says: "And let not some of you backbite the others; What! Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?" Holy Qur'an (49: 12)

G- Calumny: Is transferring what we hear from one person to another in order to spoil their relationship; it is a bad habit.

Instead of doing something to strengthen the relationship between people, the person with this type of habit tries to create misunderstanding between them. Thus, the Almighty Allah says: "And yield you not unto any despicable swearer, defamer, going about with slander." Holy Qur'an (68: 10-11) And it is also reported in a hadith that: "Whoever bring someone's sayings to you will take yours to others.

" And the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said: "'Would that I tell you about the most evil person among you?' They said: 'O yes, O Messenger of Allah', Then he said: 'They are those who are calumnious, spoilers of relations between people.'"

H- Violating Sanctity: All the above mentioned repellants serve as a way of violating the sanctity of a believer, which was described - by prophetic narration - as superior than the sanctity of Ka'ba. With all these, some people are doing their best to destroy the dignity of a believer in order to downgrade his social position.

The Almighty Allah says: "Verily those who love to spread scandal about those who believe, they shall have a grievous chastisement in this world and the hereafter." Holy Qur'an (24: 19) It is narrated that: "Do not move without modesty between you and your brother….preserve it, because not having it like doing away with shyness.

" It is not virtue to hurt, disgrace, degrade and hurt a believer. The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said: "Whoever hurts a believer hurts me, and whoever hurts me hurts Allah."

I- Among the factors that destroy brotherhood and friendship is: 'enmity', and 'hostility', 'abuse', which is more controversial than the others, to the extent that the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said: "Whoever abuses a man, his personality falls and his dignity is gone." And 'malice', arguing', 'hearsay', which is among calumny, backbiting and degrading, 'mutual hatred', which breaks the bridge of relationship, are reported in a hadith that: "In mutual hatred, there is a shaver - not a shaver of hair - but the shaver of religion," and lastly, double-facedness (hypocrisy).

Imam Ali (a.s.) said: "Whoever extends the limits in arguing is an offenders; whoever shortens it is an oppressed. There is no way an argument person can be virtuous."

J- Counting shortcoming: It is an action of revealing evil and a preparation to topple others. It is closer to the action of intelligence agencies in order to find fault. Imam Ja'far al-Sadiq (a.s.) said: "Whoever counts his fellow believer's bad actions in order to downgrade him and spoil his personality will find his abode in hell fire." Some narrations regard it as betrayal.

K- Breakups: Sometimes a relationship between friends breaks up temporarily; this is a natural when any of us sticks to our own opinion. But, if the relationship reaches such a stage, it is not good to leave it to reach a stage of total or permanent breakup, because it is among the things that does away with the Islam of a Muslim and the belief of a believer.

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said: "If two Muslims break their relationship and stay for three days without mending their differences, they are out of Islam. There is no guardianship between them, and whoever starts to talk to the other fellow, will be the first to enter paradise on the day of judgement."

It is mentioned in the law of morals that: "Do not become emotional, do not argue, do not press and do not aggravate your stand… stop an argument in order to refrain from it. The word 'you are not correct' is the shortest way of attracting enmity…accept your mistake when you make it…do not criticize like the criticism of a desolate one, who breaks hearts and degrades spirits. This is the source of misery."

Fourthly: What are the Practical Factors of a Sound and Attractive Personality?

The factors that might be mentioned here are many. What we mentioned earlier on the laws and manners of morals is not a mere slogan or advises that are hung from the sky, rather it is long human experience on social relations. Due to time limit, we will put forward some examples with the purpose of reasoning:

1- Hold onto your anger as you hold onto the mouth of a filled bottle:

"Anas said: I was with the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) wearing a gown that had a thick end; the gown attracted a Bedouin, and he said:

'Oh Muhammad! Put something on these two camels from the wealth of Allah at your hand, because you are not conveying to me your wealth or your father's wealth.' The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) kept quite for sometime and then said: 'The wealth is Allah's and I am His servant.' Then, he continued: 'Oh Bedouin! Did your action against me guide you?' He said: 'No.' He said: 'Why?' He said: 'Because you are not repaying evil with evil.' Then, the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) laughed, and ordered his companions to put barley on one camel and dates on the other."

2- Receive your brother cordially…you will capture his heart:

"Imam Hasan Askari (a.s.) said: One day two believers - a father and his son - came to Amirul Muminin (Imam Ali) (a.s.). He stood up and received them cordially, seated them by his side, then he ordered food for them. After they ate, a servant of Amirul- Muminin, called Qanbar, came with a washbowl, a wooden jug and handkerchief so they could wash their hands. Amirul Muminin (a.s.) took the wooden jug and washed the hands of the man, even though he (the man) was refraining, but Amirul Muminin insisted that he would wash his hands.

Then, Muhammad bin Hanafiyyah (Imam Ali's son) took the wooden jug from his hand. He said: Oh my son! If this son came to me alone without his father I would have washed his hands, but the Almighty Allah doesn't want to see a father and his son, in one place, being treated the same. But, since the father had poured water on the hands of a father, then a son should pour water on the hands of a son. Then, Muhammad bin Hanafiyyah poured water on the son's hands."

3- A wise way of criticism opens a sealed secret in order to accept criticism:

"One day Imams Hasan and Husain (a.s.) came across an old man who didn't know how to perform ablution. They started arguing saying to each other: 'You don't know how to perform ablution." Then, they moved closer to the old man and said: "Oh Old man! Be a judge between us, we will perform ablution and you should tell us whose ablution is right. They performed ablution and asked him which one is correct? Both of you are correct, except that this old ignorant man doesn't know how to perform ablution, but now he has learned it."

4- Felicity in opening an argument is an art that should be done well:

One day a talk went on between Imam Hussein (a.s.) and his brother, Muhammad bin Hanafiyyah. Hanafiyyah wrote a letter to Imam Hussein (a.s.) in which he told: "O! My brother, indeed, my father and your father, Ali, did not prefer you to me nor preferred me to you, and regarding your mother, Fatimah, the daughter of the Messenger of Allah, if the earth full of gold was a property of my mother, it never met your mother's right, and if you read my letter, come on to me until you make me pleased; surely, you have more right in preference than me, and peace be upon you and Allah's Mercy and His Blessings." Then, Imam Hussein (a.s.) did that and after that time, nothing happened between them.

5- The best method in the art of relations is the repayment of evil with good:

"A man stopped Imam Ali bin Husain (a.s.) and abused him but, Imam Ali didn't say anything to him. After he left, the Imam said to his companions: 'Did you hear what that man said? I want you to follow me and witness my reply to him.' They agreed, then, he took his shoes and proceeded, saying: "And he who restrains (their) anger, and forgives (the faults of) men; for Allah loves those who do good (to others)." Holy Qur'an (3: 133) When they heard him saying so, they said: 'He will not say anything to him.

' They proceeded until they reached the house of the man. The Imam told them: 'Tell him it is Ali bin Husain.' The man came out in the mood of fighting thinking that the Imam came to repay what he did to him. The Imam said to him: 'Oh my brother! You stopped me and said such things to me. If I possessed what you said, I seek Allah's forgiveness for it, and if what you said does not pertain to me, then may Allah forgive you.' Hearing this, the man started kissing the face of the Imam and said: 'Rather I said things pertain to myself if not."

6- Do not differentiate yourself from others…be like one of them, it will attract love to you:

"One day the Holy Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) was on a journey. He ordered that a sheep be slaughtered, then one man said: 'Oh Messenger of Allah! I will be in charge of slaughtering it', another one said: 'I will skin it,' and another said: 'I will cook it.' Then, the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said: 'I will bring wood for cooking it', they said: 'Oh Messenger of Allah! We are enough to do all these, (no need to suffer yourself).' He (s.a.w.) said: 'I know you will do it, but I hate to be different from you, because the Almighty Allah hates to see His servant differentiating himself from his companions. He stood up and brought the wood.'"

7- Be just to people give rights to the possessor of the right…raise people and be raised:

"Sawadah bin Qais said to the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) at the time of his sickness that: 'O! Messenger of Allah! When you come back from Ta'if, I welcomed you. While you were on your camel with a stick in your hand, and you wanted to bit your camel, it hit my stomach'. The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) asked him to come forward and take revenge of the hit. He asked the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) to open his clothing at his stomach; he did so. Seeing this, Sawadah asked him, 'Do you permit me to kiss your stomach?

' The Prophet (s.a.w.) permitted him to do so, then, he (Sawadah) said: 'May Allah protect me from the fire of Hell,' by taking revenge on the Messenger of Allah: Then, the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said: 'O! Sawadah bin Qais! Will you forgive me or do you take revenge?' He said: 'No, I will forgive, O! Messenger of Allah', then, The Prophet said: 'O! My Lord! Forgive Sawadah bin Qais as he forgave Your Messenger, Muhammad!"

8- I learned from life that abuse rotates its self:

"The Leader of the Believers, Imam Ali (a.s.), heard a man abusing Qambar (his servant) and Qambar wanted to reply to him. Amirul- Muminin (a.s.) called him: 'Be patient, Oh, Qambar! Leave him who abused you, so as to please Allah and displease the devil and punish your enemy. I swear with He Who creates grains and the breeze, there is nothing from a believer that pleases the Lord like patience, and displeases the Devil like keeping quite and punishing a stupid person, like silence."

9- The best trial, in the sight of Allah, is fulfilling the need of a believer:

"One day a man came to Imam Ja'far al-Sadiq (a.s.) and complained about his inability to pay his rent. Imam (a.s.) called Safwan al-Jammal (one of his companions) and said: 'Help your brother in fulfilling his needs. He stood, and went with the man to fulfill his need, then, Safwan came back to Imam Sadiq (a.s.). The Imam asked him what had he done with the need of the man, he said:

'Allah has fulfilled his need.' The Imam (a.s.) said: 'Fulfilling your brother's need is more sweeter to me than the circumambulation (tawaf) of Ka'aba for seven days.'"

Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds